Saturday, July 25, 2009

Earliest hockey articles (Slow Saturday reading)

Whoa, easy. Someone can't take a "floss" joke.

On a slow Saturday since some of our Armchair GMS are undergoing some scheduling conflicts, the subject of the great coming of age book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" came up. It reminded me of the fact that I forced a few hockey articles on my college newspaper a loooong time ago.

Being that its fairly certain that these are the first hockey articles I ever posted, it might be fun to read these underdeveloped little pieces from an era in which it seemed that I might become a real journalist. (You'll probably see why that never happened).

So here's three posts, with a brief description and a self aggrandizing one-liner/excerpt.

1. "Here's Hoping the NHL sticks to its guns" (Published: July 25, 2005)

My Crosby-centric article written in the summer before the first pro-lockout season.
"After the New Jersey Devils shocked the heavily favored Detroit Red Wings in the1994 Finals with the awful-for-TV neutral zone trap, the league would see more "clutching and grabbing" than a North American Man/Boy Love Association convention. "
2. "Younger, goonless NHL brings change from the ordinary" (Published: October 14, 2005)
Another article from the original post-lockout season, this one with a hysterical mug shot.
"Goons have been described as "dancing grizzly bears," but honestly, I don't want to insult the agility of those gigantic yet intriguing creatures."
3. NHL Heckling Guide (Published: October 4, 2006)

Don't be shocked if this becomes one of next season's big features (the concept, not the rushed column).

"Do you hate old people? Then bring a walker to the AAC when the Red Wings come to town and heckle 44-year-old defenseman Chris Chelios."

And, eff it, since hockey and mustaches are inexorably linked:

4. Moustache Mania (Published: August 29, 2006)

So, I became editor in chief of a college newspaper. What do I do? Devote a huge center spread feature to the 'stache. Jeez.
"Judging from Josef Stalin's bushy moustache and Hitler's, well, "Hitler moustache" … it almost goes without saying that if you want to take over the world, you cannot put up a respectable effort while clean-shaven.

I mean, seriously, how can you expect to be truly evil if you cannot stroke your moustache and cackle with your minions? Even Saddam Hussein, a noted failure, acknowledged the moustache requirement.

Looking back, it's hard to wrap my mind around the sex symbol status of Moustache Hall of Fame member Burt Reynolds. Sure, I'm jealous of his bear-like hairy chest. I'm only human. But I don't quite understand the Reynolds phenomenon."
Note: Sundaytainment will probably still be posted tomorrow, but it might be late due to expected hangover complications.


jamestobrien said...

Gotta love the fact that I effed up the date of the New Jersey Devils Cup win. Is quoting yourself as bad or worse than laughing at your own jokes?

Joe said...

I havent even finished reading, but I LOVE the NAMBLA reference in the first quote!

jamestobrien said...

That's on the list of "things I can't believe they let me publish."

Here's the #1 item on that list:

"I've seen enough depressing accounts of Third World countries to appreciate the fact that I can eat like an undisciplined pig. In fact, I feel like in a way, some malnourished child is eating vicariously through me."

Joe said...

Do you save all your writing? I do. The only thing I think I'm missing is my very first published piece, which was a guest article for good ol'

These articles aren't bad. My favorite part though is getting to see a slightly bashful looking O'Brien on one of them though.

jamestobrien said...

Thanks, Joe. I need to get all my writing (at least the stuff I want public) in one place although that will be a pain. Probably a good summer project idea, though.

And those mug shots make me giggle, although I generally have a pretty bashful/dopey look on my face so that's nothing new.