Meet the Bottom of the Depth Chart...

How do you introduce yourself on the web? Most jerks open with a “Hi I’m Bill Simmons, please read my 9,000 word post about The Hills and why Boston sports are > all the other sports franchises ever created.” Lame. I used to do this trick at college parties where I would mumble my name when meeting new people then try to press them to see if they remembered. Making people uncomfortable is usually fun, even when you’re the only one laughing. But for lack of a better way to introduce myself; I’m Abel, wont you please read my 469 word post about knowing nothing about Hockey and awful puns?

O’ Brien and I go way back, and by way back I mean 2006 when he was the miserable editor in chief of the North Texas Daily and I was a not-yet-but-soon-would-be miserable intern. Sure I knew the guy, and he seemed like an ok dude if you ignore his strange obsession with wearing old Dokken t-shirts and banging oddly shaped, circus-seal looking redheads but we didn’t start hanging out until we both left the paper. And it wasn’t long before he started ranting about creating this site. For potential job interview purposes I’m gonna claim that I’m one of the founding fathers of this site (I even created the logo!) But the truth is that I really have no business here but James convinced me that it’d be different to read about hockey from someone who’s most likely try to steal benches than watch a hockey game.

So while I do plan to binge on hockey this season and learn as much as I can about the sport so I can be cool like everyone else here (this must be what Jack Black must’ve felt like when he taught himself to play guitar at 19), for now I’ll only provide insight into something all of us can enjoy: Awful Puns.

At first glance there’s a lot to love about hockey. It’s one of the few sports that can have you rapt with attention because every possession brings another potential scoring chance, another potential rebound/sweet spot goal, another shot off the posts, another odd man rush. And that’s not even mentioning the fights. But it wasn’t any of that that refried my beans it was the gaping wide opportunity for puns and, to a farther reach, intentionally (and sometimes unintentionally) mispronounce names.

Some of the highlights that have come from the last eight months of playing EA Sports NHL games:

Vaclav “Proposal” Prospal

Jarome “Ignalia” Iginla

Some people score together Ryan scores Malone

Chris once upon a midnight Drury

(Editors note: We’re pretty sure Abel has dyslexia, but we don’t have the heart to tell him. They only get worse from here....)

And my fave:

Eric "Gangee" Gagne

(...Jezuz).