Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hockey Orphan: the Puck Huffers on the Pittsburgh Penguins

Click on the logo above to read all the Hockey Orphan entries

(While I admit that the Penguins are my team, the fact that they missed the playoffs for six years softened my allegiance ever so slightly. Typically, then, I like to venture to the Pens-logopshere for all things Malkin and Crosby. One of the absolute best Penguins blogs goes by the name Puck Huffers. They absolutely rocked the All-Decade team like no one else, a post that makes you wonder if they travel the country destroying hotel rooms. ANYWAY, make sure to make Puck Huffers one of your go-to sources for info on the igloo.)

We hate to show up late with our feature submission and walk in here like we own the place, but really you all leave us no choice. So you’re a hockey fan but don’t know what jersey to invest your hard earned money in, what team to cheer for, scream at, and on the occasion you feel like getting feisty in a bar fight, bleed for? It’s not that hard to realize, good citizen, that you should be a Penguins fan.

Do let us explain.


1)We love the franchise and it loves us back. The Penguins franchise knows its fans. It knows we want feel good commercials and slogans.
It knows we want tacky fashion and decorations beamed in directly from the early 90’s. It knows that when we can’t see a playoff game in the arena, we’ll probably still want to watch it at the huge, free, outdoor viewing location. Every time the organization does something for us we have to take a minute to say “God damn, we really need to check for recording devices around the apartment, because that was MY idea when I was drunk on Iron City last Tuesday.” But really, with God – Oh, hahaha, you common folk who don’t walk in his gracious light might know him as “Mario”- head manning the operation, what can you expect?

2)We’re the best dressed team in the league. Go ahead and roll your eyes at us women basing decisions off of fashion. Sorry boys, at the end of the day we’re still the ones you have to talk out of our skirts. You might want to pay attention. And on top of that, we don’t even believe that you are a man if you don’t marvel at the glory that is Eric Godard’s bright red pimp suit.
Our boys also offer up an assortment of unreal shirts and hats that are so unbelievably hideous they must be extremely expensive and fashionable.

Either that or dumpster diving is a Pittsburgh Penguins pastime, and really, are you going to argue with the coolness of that either?

3)Our players are as entertaining as they get. Sure, we could take this time to talk about Malks and Sid being so exciting to watch play, et cetera, et cetera, but we won’t because they speak for themselves. Well…Malkin tries, at least. Regardless, we’re not talking about that shit. We’d rather focus on the shoe checking, baby-clothes-hiding, Fu Manchu growing, donut-spinning, retarded group of fuckups that are the boys on the Penguins. They’re the kids you wanted to be friends with in high school because you never knew exactly what they were doing this weekend, but you were pretty sure it was going to end up a major topic of discussion at the 5, 10, and 20 year reunions. Every ten seconds you have to stop and ask “Oh my god, what the hell is he doing? Who the jesus let him out of the house today?”

On the flip side, they’re one of the most charitable hockey teams in the league. Every other day you get a slew of pictures of some charity event one of the guys threw together in his spare time. We’re fans of a lot of other teams, and we’ve come to realize how much the Pens really do. It’s kind of amazing.

4)Sid’s more unreal than you even thought. An added bonus of having Sidney Crosby on your team? If you somehow mathematically calculate the curve of his ass, you find the meaning of life.

Too bad no one’s ever survived the equation.

We won’t say that the Penguins are without fault. We’re happy to list our downsides.

1)Penguins hockey is not for the faint of heart, nor those who easily give up. If you’re too much of a bitch to handle some excitement, we’re not the team for you. Our battle cry has forever been “third period team!” because we like to failboat a lot in the first two periods and then remember “Oh, hey! We’re playing hockey!” and take it back in the third. Our seasons are equally as distressing anymore – especially this season past – it always seems like we’re on the cusp of both failure and success. As a Penguins fan, chances are you might have to sit through quite a few years of us toiling in mediocrity. But there’s always a payoff at the end. Just…don’t get too comfortable in your chair. Ever.

2)You might not always appreciate the sass of the Lord.
Our Lord and Savior has been known to play his pimp card. Namely threatening to sell the team to faraway lands if the world didn’t meet his demands. After the world met his demands he just laughed, in a pimp-like fashion, and informed everyone he was never actually planning on doing it anyway. While we appreciate this trickery and deceit in the name of shady business, we can understand why others couldn’t handle this amount of pimp in their day to day lives.

3)You have to deal with a lot of bullshit. While your favorite players may be Robert Scuderi; American Hero, President T. Kennedy, Maxime the French Canadian Dream, or any other of the Penguins assorted cast of characters, every homer in the street is going to hear “Penguins” and immediately assume you are Crosby’s biggest fan and supporter. They will then proceed to air their every grievance to you, and follow up with something like “But that Malkin, he’s something else.” If you have a low quota of faces you can punch in a day, the Penguins are not the team for you.

4)The team and the city are a package deal, and that’s a lot of work.

You aren’t a Penguins fan without loving Pittsburgh. Maybe you live there, maybe you plan to visit one day as a sort of holy quest, either way you’ve got to be emotionally involved with Steel City. It’s a different sort of place, something both of us have realized after leaving. It’s a little odd, and maybe not what normal people are used to, but once you fall for it you’re never turning back, and you’re never going to find another place that feel quite like it. The people, the workers, the surrounding landscapes, the streets, the bridges, just the feel of Pittsburgh, it’s all distinct. The Penguins are a gateway drug to Pittsburgh and vice-versa. If you can’t handle one, you won’t last long with the other.

So, come, take our hands and we shall lead you to salvation – that is if you think you can handle it. We didn’t even mention how being a Penguins fan throws in the advantage of getting to know us. We just thought that was a given.

Say it with us now.
Go Pens.


Anonymous said...

WONDERFUL! Just wonderful!

rach the h said...

Excellent job by all involved. Because it is all SO true.

wrap around curl said...

I don't have a witty comment other than to tell you dames, well done.

And my word verification is "doosi."

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

wow... just, wow...

"Well…Malkin tries, at least."
and i love him more and more for every secoond of it.

that picture of petr with the hat unbelievable.

i want his grandma to make me a hat just like it

captain badger said...

I think the Iceman video ALONE is enough to win anybody over. But that's just me. :D fantastic post.

Erika Zimmerman said...

all is true.
PH = wow.