Friday, April 10, 2009

Hockey Orphan: Flyers Goal Scored By on the Philadelphia Flyers

Click on the logo above to read all the Hockey Orphan entries

(Thanks to the gang at Flyers Goal Scored by for providing this Flyers post. While I consider myself a Penguins fan, there are some solid human beings blogging about Philly, and FGSB is one of the best. Make sure to follow their Broadstreet Bloggering. Also, be nice.)

Reasons to Love the Flyers

1. We're going to punch someone in the face - you can be cheering when it happens or you can join the 96% of fans who think we're a bunch of goons. In the interest of full disclosure you should know that everyone has thought of us as goons since we were labeled the Broad Street Bullies almost 40 years ago. Last year this moniker saw a resurgence when we had 5 guys suspended in the first couple months of the season. We couldn't pick up any suspensions this year so we had to think outside the bun and sign, without a doubt, the craziest player in the league at the training deadline. Even though we were already ranked second in fights.

2. We are by far the most storied franchise since the Great Expansion - chances are you don't have NHL Center Ice but you should get it before the playoffs. If you like working your abs or are in need of a cell phone clip get it for the commercials alone. When you do add it to your cable package keep an eye out for The History of the Philadelphia Flyers. You'll love it. It's kind of like The Replacements staring Keanu Reeves (aka Neo aka Heaver). Except it stars a toothless diabetic, an old man who apparently spends a lot of time in the locker room, and Brian Propp's Bosley hair.

3. The fans - If you want you some crazy passionate hockey fans that fill the seats and shake the arena this is the team for you. We come out when they're good, we come out when they're bad. Philadelphia loves its sports almost as much as Charles Barkley loves a good BJ, and I love a two month old sports/pop culture metaphor.

Reasons to Hate the Flyers
1. We're going to punch someone in the face - If you've already been swayed by another team's proposal chances are that you're not going to like us. If you've chosen another team then you should know we're going to beat up someone on your team. Or if they beat one of us up we're going to hit you from behind and slash you. It may not always be within the rules, and in fact usually won't, but we'll get ya.

2. We are by far the most storied franchise since the Great Expansion - Sure you could root for some team that has a cool color like teal or midnight fart that wasn't in a box of Crayolas in 1967. Maybe you could go out to the "store" and buy a "cell phone" and "e-mail" it to someone from the future while you're at it. I'm guessing you're in a market where no one cares about hockey and the closest team to you is ten years old. If you've chosen to root for this team we're all laughing at you because your team's going to be playing out of Las Vegas in 3 years.

3. The fans - Philly fans are dangerous. You've surely heard about Eagles fans before, and Flyers fans are no different. They'll get you in your seat, they'll get you in the mens room, they'll get you in the promenade, from the front, from doesn't matter. Whenever I'm watching a game and they cut to a shot of a little kid in the opposition's jersey my only thought is "I wonder what that kid did to have his parents bring him to a game in that." Not being on our side is a dangerous business. That's not a threat, that's a threat.


AmyB said...

Being born in Pittsburgh, it is in my genes to despise all things Philadelphia. However, I will concede that Ron Hextall had an awesome mustache. Obviously I'm too young to have seen it in person or whatever, but I've seen footage of that thing. It was badass.

Also. I hear that Scott Fartsmell is a good sport and a classy guy (see link). Which, is pretty astounding considering he plays for Philly. Not that I don't hate him or anything. Just sayin'.

Dominik said...

>>"There are some solid human beings blogging about Philly..."

Right right, so we all know that's (somehow, miraculously) true, but that doesn't mean you have to enter it into the public record!

Seriously, nicely done -- another good entry. Sometimes in counseling sessions I confess my long-held, secret love for Scott Mellanby.

jamestobrien said...

I've always had a soft spot for goalies who slash the shit out of people, so Hextall gets my begrudging respect.