Monday, May 4, 2009

With Naslund off the books, what will be Sather's next offering to the gods of hockey hilarity?

Semi-surprising news tonight: Markus Naslund's days as a former star turned passive perimeter player an NHL player are over. The move gives the Rangers an additional $4 million of cap space. Which, naturally, Glen Sather will spend in some hilariously incorrect way.

(The old salary cap outlook will have to be scraped, although it's still fun to laugh at the contracts Scott Gomez, Chris Drury and Wade Redden signed.)

Anyway, since the Rangers now have enough cap space to make more stupid decisions (NHLSCAP says they'll go into next year with a cap number slightly above $38 million), we thought it might be fun to picture 'ol Sather's contract proposals.

Phone call proposal: Marian Hossa

Glen: Hey, Mary! Odd name you got there, but you're a heckuva player! Hyuck hyuck.
Hossa: Uh ...
Glen: So, I know you went to the Red Wings last year to try to get a Cup. But I know what you really want: intense media scrutiny and more cold weather. Hello? Mary Ann? Hello?
(phone clicks)

Lunch meeting with: Mats Sundin

Glen: Mark? Is that you?
(Sather cleans off his glasses with a handkerchief.)
Glen: Wow, Mark, you're looking GREAT! Jeez, did you get taller? Still got the gambling bug, I see. When did you learn Swedish?
Mats: ...

Clearly tampering phone call to Erik Cole made during the Canes' playoff run
Glen: Heeeeeey, Erik, how's it going?
Erik: Uh, fine Mr. Sather. Shouldn't we be waiting until July to be doing ---
Glen: Look, Cole-y, I'm going to cut right to the chase. Coal miner, you're a hell of a player. Actually, Coal train, I'm not going to lie. I don't watch a lot of hockey anymore. It's so boring without Wayne and Mark! But my grandchildren think you're awesome in a video game. I see that you're rated in the 80's. You're almost as good as Drury and Gomez!!! Oh we just need to add a couple more 90's to this team and we'll be golden!
Erik: Riiight.
Glen: Anyway, Cole, think it over. And break a leg - er - neck - er ... good luck in the playoffs.

Bumps into Mike Comrie at expensive designer clothing boutique

Glen: Mike? Comrie? Hoowww's it going buddy?
Comrie: Um, who are you?
Glen: You know what, Mike, I watched you play with the Islanders and I think you have the certain something that can really make an impact in New York.
Comrie: I don't know, don't you have a bunch of cent-
Glen: From watching you play, I can tell that your assets are not being utilized enough. I can see that this team really could get a lot more out of ... Hillary Duff. In the stands, making the occasional locker room speech, posing for promotional photos in skin tight tailored Rangers jerseys ... hanging out with 20 or so of her sluttiest - er - closest friends in my luxury suite ...
Comrie: (sigh)

Desperate plea to Jaromir Jagr

Glen: Yaaaaaags, how's it going, baby? You ready to come back to the Big Apple?(pause) We didn't WANT you? Nahhh, we were just kidding! How's that Brazilian wax looking soul patch going? Ah, you shaved it? Damn. Well, hey, just uh, let me know if you want to come back. Not that, uh, we're having problems scoring goals without you or anything (laughs awkwardly)

Signs Marian Gaborik to a 10 year, $80 million contract
Marian: Are you sure you don't want me to take a physical first?
Glen: Naaaaaah!


Scotty Hockey said...

Goddamn you. That was hilarious. And I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if it was a true glimpse into the future ...

jamestobrien said...

I hate to say it, but the Gaborik thing might happen. If so I think that NYC authorities should turn a blind eye to the inevitable angry mob/tar-and-feathering.

On a side note, the headline of this post is incredibly awkward. Any suggested revisions?

Unknown said...

no so much funny as 100% accurate...

Dave said...

OK. I'm a Ranger fan and I just threw up in my mouth. Please stop confusing the issue with facts.

Good god. What a joke Sather is.

jamestobrien said...

Every time I see that Glen Sather photo, I think of that odd throwaway line from Talladega Nights.

Will Ferrell on KFC Colonel Sanders:

"I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

AmyB said...

Glen: ...Hello? Mary Ann? Hello?

Glen: Wow, Mark, you're looking GREAT! Jeez, did you get taller? Still got the gambling bug, I see. When did you learn Swedish?
Mats: ...

Hahahaha! Gold.