Monday, May 25, 2009

How to survive the latest NHL 09 update without damaging your dignity (or controller)

Earlier this week, I had it.

After playing approximately one billion versus games in NHL '09, the most recent update appeared to be way too frustrating to deal with. Every goal I allowed sent my blood pressure to Zdeno Chara heights and even prompted my immature (and unintended) semi-destruction of an X-Box controller. Bad times.

Somewhere along the way, one of two things happened:

a) I figured out how to play under the new restrictions


b) Subtle tweaks were made to avoid the first polygonal hockey-based homicide.

Whatever the case may be, aside from losing an OT game I went on a 7-game winning streak (and a conversely unimpressive vagina-less streak, but fuck you for saying that). While you cannot teach pure, sublime irrelevant video game talent (ugh), here are a few tips for adapting to the latest update:

1. Zen hockey

My winning streak began while chastising my friend for giving up an opportunity for bowling and poontang. Despite being partially distracted by aimless telephone banter, things just started to click.

It made me realize that a Buddhist-like detachment is necessary to get any level of enjoyment out of the latest edition of the game (since EA decided to be dicks and suck all the fun out of playing online). This also goes for winning strategy, though: it's best to summon your inner- Jacques Lemaire and play snooze-fest hockey. You know that urge to turn Dan Boyle into Bobby Orr? Might want to pick your spots there, champ.

2. Avoid using defensemen whenever possible

Perhaps this is just me, but damn if I don't get burned by cheap shit whenever I try to play defense ... with defensemen. It's much better to miss a check/clog a passing lane with a forward, I've found.

Of course, that strategy's great until the game decides that you're not going to be able to switch to a forward no matter how many times you press the button, swear at children or throw dogs at the TV. You made me do it, EA.

3. Fear stick-lifts more than unwanted pregnancies

In the world of NHL 09, every ham-and-egger can stick lift like Pavel Datsyuk. When I was first getting used to the latest update, I'd say that 80 percent of the goals I allowed were based on my opponent lifting my D's stick and scoring a vein-popping-out-in-your-head type goal.

Every time there's going to be an obvious puck battle, get ready for some button "A" mashing. It's lift or be lifted, folks.

4. Cheap behind the net deke moves > too-perfect one timers

For a while, my one timer abilities were absurd enough that I'd often score goals off what seemed like passes. It's kind of like how Gretzky would score off the back of a goalie's pad/legs/skates, only I wouldn't get to bang some Canadian supermodel after the game.

ANYWAY, EA must have read a lot of message board bitching because the one-timer has been rendered somewhat irrelevant. Now it seems like it's all about waltzing around defenseman and cheap shit like that.


So, hopefully those four guidelines will help you re-claim your game (or compete instead of the typical shellacking you suffer from). If you want to "put these rules to the test" or just want to play a game of versus, my X-Box gamertag is jimbobri (creative, I know).

Warning: I am ruthless and probably cheap as hell. But at least you know my strategy, right?

Crap, this was a mistake.


Joe said...

Man, in high school, me and 4 of my buddies would get together for these giant Madden owner mode franchises. We'd each take a franchise, play out our 16 games, occasionally against each other, and then we'd have a playoffs that involved having to go through each other for a Super Bowl win. We still give each other constant shit about some of those wins (Fuck you Erick, and fuck Mike Vick too!). But we went through Playstation 2 controllers like you wouldn't believe. I ended up becoming a bit of an expert with them, because we would break one part or another, and then we'd have another controller with another broken part, and I'd end up taking them both apart, putting together the working parts, and we'd make a new Franken-controller.

One of the guys had a unique habit of spiking the controller when he got pissed. He wouldn't just throw, he would spike it down on the hardwood floor, on one of the pointy ends of the controller. If you spike a controller like this, it will completely blow apart in impressive fashion, and buttons will explode all across the room.

I suck at NHL 09. When I've played it a bit, I like it, but man, I suck donkey dick at it.

jamestobrien said...

Hahaha, I have a buddy who apparently would have similar franchise parties in Madden but I didn't get invited (sad face). Funny stuff about the guy who would spike controllers.

jamestobrien said...

Nevermind. Fuck this game.

Unknown said...

Hahaha, nice post. Reminds me of how to beat the ambulance-driving missions in grand theft auto three, for some reason.

Usually I just get pissed off and say fuck it and turn the game off for a week or two or three...

Vance said...

I hadn't played NHL 09 for months until we logged into the Dressing Room last night, and proceeded to get smoked 11-1.

That update was pure effing garbage. We ended up goin' 2-2 on the night, but seriously, wtf is the interference about. Pissin' me off to no end.

Joe said...

If I can figure out XBOX live (ugh), I'm down for getting my ass kicked a couple times in NHL 09 this week.

jamestobrien said...

@ Joe:

I'm a bit pissed off at NHL 09 right now so perhaps an online team play would be better.

Anonymous said...

Its not that I didnt want
poontang and bowling its just that it wouldve been with a black girl. One has to be in a certain mood to entertain a black chick.

See? BIG difference.