Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Montreal Canadiens' NBA doppleganger is, quite obviously:

=


Since Vance from Bangin Panger had to be a poopy head* and correctly point out that the New Jersey Devils share obvious parallels with the San Antonio Spurs, we'll probably let that one go. Unless there's some outpouring from the comments for a Spurs to Devils comparison (snicker).

* - My phrase for someone who's smart enough to guess something.

Anyhooters, before Vance trots out his big brain again, here's the other NHL to NBA comparison:


The Montreal Canadiens are TOTALLY the Boston Celtics of hockey.

1. The Champions of being uh, champions

Flair: The FUCK are YOU gonna do about it?

Both the Celtics and Canadiens own the most championship belts in their respective sports. For years, they've been veritable Ric Flairs: stylin' profilin' jet-setting limousine riding something somethings. When some punk ass pretender flexes his 24 inch pythons/fast break offense, Flair puts four fingers in the air and says "To be the man, you've got to beat the man."

Then the Canadiens/Celtics stomp really hard on a mat and their opponents act like they just got their shit wrecked. It's awesome.

2. Old as fuuuuuuuuugees

Dudes, those teams are friggin' older than Andy Rooney's balls. And AR's balls predate him by like, 20 years.*

* - Science

3. Teams that could never be replicated in a salary cap era

Those Montreal Canadiens teams were so absurd, Ken Dryden was able to write a book while playing goalie for those teams. Oh, we're not talking about thinking of ideas. No no. He would start with a notebook in the first period, just scribbling down ideas and the like. By the second period, he had some leggy editor looking over his stuff and proofreading his notebook with red ink.

But old "Dry-sie" didn't take well to some (as Dryden would say) "broad" editing his work. Let's just say the second period was a dark time for women's rights. In Dryden's crease, at least.

Most perceived this as Dryden's "thinking pose" but it was actually his, "Listen ... bitch" pose. What a dick.

By the third period, Dryden would get really frustrated and simply bring a type writer to his net. You'd think the refs would have done something about it, but:

1. They were drunk.

2. They knew Dryden went to law school, so their apparent drunkenness seemed illegal and they didn't want to lose their jobs. Plus Dryden let the refs pull down some (as Dryden would say) "of his leftovers."

At this point you're thinking "Fuck you, James."

Good point. But how do you think "The Game" was so descriptive and great? Obviously, he was writing it as the game was happening because his defense was so freaking good. Just think about it.

No? Fine then, assholes.

4. Historic arenas torn apart by heartless douche capitalism

This is a shame, but remember, college-aged readers: never show sadness. Especially for old stuff.

Instead, hide behind a mask of cruel bemusement and fake materialism. When some old man (who probably reads books, the fucker) comes up with some "why, the Forum had ghosts of Jean Beliveau blah blah correct statement that everyone hates him for" ... just scoff.

Scoff, and say "Jean Be-le-who? Isn't that that (slur against homosexuals) from Bloodsport?" even though you think Bloodsport was pretty sweet because it had all those awesome scenes where the dudes wrap crazy shit around their knuckles. Remember, this isn't about what you like and dislike, this is about uprooting an old man who happens to be making a good point. Besides, if you don't make fun of him, your friends will. Sleep on that, Ace.

5. Old white dudes

Yeah, I'm running out of reasons. Plus that's basically the same as Point #2. I don't see you doing anything about it, Ace.

6. Morally questionable team building

"Searching for Bobby Orr" details the sort of shady, sell-your-children-to-slavery "system" hockey used to have. Basically, you turn 18 (sometimes not even 18) and then sign some ridiculous lifetime contract with a team. Almost makes you think Scott Boras isn't satan, and he's not. At least Satan gives you something cool for selling your soul. Boras is just kind of a dick. From what I've read.

The Celtics had their own questionable shit, at least in the fact that Red Auerbach would drop N-bombs whilst riding Bill Russell to glory and smelly cigars. We'd hate him for it, but just go ahead and try to hate a guy named "Red." It's not going to happen.

Editor's note: This is the most factually devoid, rampantly incorrect thing ever to see the light of day at Cycle like the Sedins. You're welcome.

4 comments:

Vance said...

Get a job yah bum!

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

This is hard. As a Boston fan, I MUCH prefer the Habs-are-yankees-of-hockey comparison. Then I'm not all "woo celtics but boo Habs."

Conflicting emotions are hard.

Vance said...

Let's open that big brain of mine...

Both teams suck for years...
both draft all world talent early this decade...
both proceed to top of their leagues...
both have insane amounts of bandwagon fans...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Imagine what I could come up with if I actually watched basketball.

jamestobrien said...

Vance's first comment is soooo right-on.

The Habs have some Yankees parallels, but that Jeter/Torre dynasty doesn't really have a match. However, if I simply never knew about "Georges Stein-broucher" (the Canadiens psychotic owner/guy who fires a shit load of people) then maybe we can get a little mileage out of it.

I guess there IS some cruel humor to comparing the Canadiens to a Boston sports team, but it had to be done.