Almost time to panic, but not quite

I'll be honest, my only real exposure to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" was half-watching the movie in a drunken stupor. (It seemed OK ... Mos Def is amusing and it has pre-Jim/protoJim/Tim from the British Office in it.) Let's face it, though, it's the first thing that came up in a Google Image search.

ANNNNYWAY, with the SCF under way (and Jesus lord let's hope it's not halfway done) and the NBA Finals about to start, it dawned on me that I'm pretty fucked in about two weeks. Baseball is not my sport, unless I'm drunk in the shade with an avalanche of peanut shells at my feet. The shade at home doesn't count.

(Shit, maybe I might need to panic, not the Penguins.)

Just to illustrate the depth of badness, I watched "About Last Night" because there was nothing better on my X-Box Netflix queue. Even though my hatred for Jim Belushi rages beyond Chris Osgoodian proportions.

Good God I can't believe I watched this movie.

(To be fair, there was a shocking amount of pre-ruined by Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore boobs in that movie. Remember kids: small boobs need love too.)

So, the Penguins are in a lot of trouble right now. Being down 0-2 to Detroit is a problem. I'd compare the difference between overcoming the Red Wings versus the Capitals as the jump from hopping a suburban fence to scaling the Great Wall of China.

(Sorry, 80's movies breed hyperbole. Re-read that sentence as "the Red Wings are tougher than the Capitals", please.)

This post really isn't going anywhere, so I'll leave you with two goats and two semi-heroes.

(For the Penguins, that is.)

From far away that foot behind that goat looks like something ... else. Don't judge me.

Goat #1: Marc Andre Fleury

Sorry, he's been awful.

Goat #2: Bill Guerin

For some reason, I constantly overreact to Guerin's struggles. Maybe it's his "Just for Men" beard. Either way, he had two wide open chances you have to bury and he came up dry. Dammit, Bill.

Semi-Hero #1: Jordan Staal

In true Jordan Staal fashion, he's been awesome without putting up any points. Joe and I have discussed the fact that the Penguins might be better off spending $4 million on a winger, but I must admit the last two and a half rounds have made me feel better. Staal might not have his elder brother's finishing touch, but he's shown some serious balls. He might just be a gamer going forward.

(Besides, he won't "fail to earn" his contract until next year. Right now, he's a genuine bargain.)

Semi-Hero #2: Rob Scuderi

It's going to be hard to stomach watching Brooks Orpik cough up pucks at $3.7 million next year if it means that the Penguins cannot retain Scuderi. While playing against Detroit hasn't made him look qute so impressive, he's still the kind of defensive defenseman the Penguins need to be competitive.

Let's hope they can sign him to a reasonable deal.