Tuesday, October 14, 2008


In the olden days (before today) Tuesdays used to suck. Say what you want about Monday, at least it was the first day of the work week. Tuesdays are like the bad sequel or an ugly twin to Monday. There's really not a whole lot that can be said for Tuesdays.

Until now.

Here at Cycle like the Sedins, we're going to celebrate each Tuesday by chronicling the lowest, most vile and/or most humiliating moments hockey's ever seen. And really, there cannot be a better person to attach to such an event than the infamous Todd Bertuzzi.

To start things off, it only seems natural to explore the event and man behind this historically bad pun. So with that, let's take an off-beat and tasteless journey into the shameful event (is it Punchgate or Bertuzzigate? Because everything has to be "X"gate. It's like, a rule or something).


In my mind, there are three reasonable candidates for The NHL's version of "The Zapruder film" but only one moment that could be hockey's version of the JFK assassination. Sure, hockey fans might not know Where They Were When They Found Out It Happened ... but few should ever forget the strange feeling of seeing hockey looped relentlessly on CNN.

And it sure as hell wasn't for a breathtaking goal.

Here's a link to a soundless clip that also features Steve Moore's hit on Markus Naslund, which inspired the Wild West-style bounty that was placed on Moore's head.

Obviously, the toll this moment took on Moore's life and career are not a laughing manner. But the Vancouver Canucks at fault deserve to be mocked and berated for their involvement (whatever it might be).

It must have been fate that implored me to watch "The Karate Kid" on Hulu.com last night, because the Vancouver Canucks - Cobra Kai parallel is STUNNING. Especially if you feel that Marc Crawford did indeed encourage Bertuzzi's actions.

Disclaimer: my imaginary legal team must acknowledge that Marc Crawford claims Todd Bertuzzi acted "in direct disobedience" during the infamous attack. Therefore, this INGENIOUS analogy is based on the EXTREMELY DUBIOUS premise that Crawford promoted such behavior. My use of all caps is IN NO WAY an expression of sarcasm.


Now, watch this famous clip from "The Karate Kid" and see if you can match certain characters with their theoretical (former) Vancouver Canucks counterparts. Skip to about 1:30 if you want to limit your exposure to awesomeness:

In case you don't have my Patented Deductive Skills, here's the Cast of Characters:

Canucks/Cobra Kai from left: Markus Naslund, Todd Bertuzzi, Marc Crawford, Brad May

Marc Crawford as "Fascist Douche Coach."

Could you imagine Crawford telling Bertuzzi to "sweep the leg"?

Todd Bertuzzi as Standard '80s Teen Movie Villain with Aryan Features

Heat from the media neutered Todd Bertuzzi's game. Say what you will about Zabka/Johnny's underhanded techniques, at least it took a crane kick to humble him. Advantage Zabka.

Strangely, this image comes from www.sharkblog.com.

Doesn't this quote seem eerily familiar to Brady May's "bounty" comment? Just sayin'.

Seriously, the similarities are endless (or there's about three). I'm not sure who would be Mr. Miyagi though.


To wrap up our first ever Bertuzzday, let's end it with an interesting question. E-mail us your answers and we'll feature the best responses on next week's Bertuzzday:

What would it take - within the realm of possibility - for Bertuzzi to absolve his sins in your eyes? In other words, suggestions related to death and breaking his own neck will be read, possibly laughed at but then ignored. I'd especially like to hear from Colorado Avalanche fans (and, hell, Teemu Selanne if he's got a second). To start things off, here's what he could do that would appease me greatly:

"The Jesus" thought that what the Canucks did was "Bush league stuff ... laughable mang."

Do you remember that scene in "The Big Lebowski" where Walter gives a little background on "The Jesus"? How he had to go door-to-door to let his neighbors know "he was a pederast"?

Bertuzzi would have my reluctant forgiveness if at a designated time during every road game, the Jumbotron would display a recorded message of Todd Bertuzzi admitting to being a confirmed neck breaker (or something like that). Fans could even mock him in a "Kiss Cam" kind of way. It wouldn't repair Moore's vertebrate and Bertuzzi would still be making crazy money to play a game he's clearly no longer passionate about.

But it would make a difference if he was DIRECTLY shamed in public for this moment until he concedes and retires. Enough of that "dark cloud/carrying a mental burden" crap.

I want that burden to be TANGIBLE.


jamestobrien said...

All apologies to Bill Simmons, btw. I know that "The Karate Kid" is his turf.

Niekon said...

I could tell you exactly where I was... I was in Berlin on vacation. Had woken up and was scanning the news sites and saw this headline about some hockey incident. Then scoured for a bit looking for video.
Several of us were gathered around my laptop watching it over and over trying to figure out what exactly had incited this incident.

RudyKelly said...

I don't know, I forgive him. Ace Bailey did something way worse and nobody gave him shit for it. Hell, Clancy even shook his hand!

BReynolds said...

The only way The Idiot ever gets even a bit of forgiveness from this hockey fan is for him to step completely out of the world of hockey.

No playing in the NHL, no KHL, no Swiss league, no major juniors, hell, no pond hockey. He should sign away his right to ever put on a pair of skates again, and be barred forever from sporting goods stores that sell hockey equipment.

He should also sign over his entire net worth to Steve Moore. He can then get a job at a assisted living home for people with broken necks for $5.15 an hour so he can see what actions like his do to people.


jamestobrien said...

Interesting stuff, Niekon. That video is still pretty damn brutal to watch.

I think most people are divided into Rudy's response (a shoulder shrug) and Buddha's response (damnation or at least a request to retire), although I waiver a bit.

On one hand, it was pretty lame that Bertuzzi attacked him from behind. Still, if the punch didn't lead to Moore going neck-first, it would have been just a typical dirty NHL retribution.

Shades of gray, eh?

Mr. Plank said...

I think the shades of grey get thrown out the window when you go at someone from behind. Throw a blow to his face, sure. The end result may be the same unfortunately, but at least it allows Moore gets a split second to defend himself.

I like Buddhafisch's solution.

evision said...