Meltdown 1 of ?: The Sabres whomp the Flyers

This topic makes it as good a time as ever to look for some voices outside my own, because this is the only instance that truly comes to mind. And honestly due to game coverage, these games are only burned into my memory because of the shocking nature of the defeats.

But man, oh man was this a meltdown. You know when the term might not quite be hyperbole when a good coach gets fired.

To be fair to the Flyers, there were three games that were nowhere near brutal. The Flyers managed to win two games and lose one in OT.

At the time, this series seemed to spark the arrival of the Sabres: an 8-2 win on Game 2, a 3-0 shutout in Game 5 and a 7-1 pounding in the deciding Game 6. For non-math majors out there, that means in the two most important games of that season the Flyers got blown out 10-1. In that Game 6, the Sabres outscored the Flyers 3-0 in the first period; 3-1 in the second period; 1-0 in the third. That's about as close as I could think of to being a parallel game.

Oddly, the Philadelphia team was on the other end in this one. It's underscored an intriguing mini-trend in sports: the other huge metropolitan areas (outside of NYC) going from gloom to bloom. It happened for Boston starting with the Patriots to the Red Sox all the way back to the Celtics. Could it be happening in a Phillies - Eagles - Flyers pattern?

I sure fucking hope not.

Mind blowers

The Czech Republic vs. USA World Junior Championship game is on my TV right now, but there's only so much mental commitment that can be made to that after an unreal day of NFL football. Usually, football bores me with its endless commercial breaks, three-and-outs and awful announcing but today was truly a special day.

And every game pales in comparison to the jaw dropping clusterfuck that was the Cowboys - Eagles game. If that was duplicated in a game of Madden save files would be erased, friendships would become estranged and a disc would be shattered. People throw words like "meltdown" around often nowadays, but make no mistake about it.

That game was an unmitigated disaster. A pigskin A-bomb.

In the next day or two we'll look back at some of the hockey meltdowns of somewhat similar severity and relevance. If you have any suggestions leave the scores and your recollections in the thirsty comments section.

Tidbittage

• The World Junior Championships start today. In fact, NHL Network is covering today's USA vs. Germany game as this is being written. Apparently, the most notable prospects for the 'Mericans are Colin Wilson and a guy who owns a last name I'm currently too lazy to research.

A little pissed off from going through the old resetting password run-around. Is there anything more aggravating than realizing you can't remember your damn password? Well, besides a dinner party with Roseanne and Fran Drescher.

• Saw the semi-obscure French Canadian movie about Maurice Richard called (not-shockingly) "The Rocket" last week.

It was nice to gain some insight into Richard's career. The man playing Richard successfully captured The Rocket's delightful bug-eyed expression, which must've been a huge part of the casting process.

The hockey scenes were solid, but the movie dragged a bit at times. Still, it was fun to spot the occasional NHLer in the film, from Ugly Mike Ricci to douche of the year Sean Avery (who appropriately played a total douche).

Based on its film merit, "The Rocket" would probably only be a 6/10 but for hockey nerds I'd bump it up to 7/10.

• So, the Vancouver Canucks got a nice digi-upgrade with Mats Sundin. But the real upgrade comes for the San Jose Sharks. The upgrade for Devin Setoguchi makes the Sharks ludicrously good.

OK, that's all for now. I'm still kind of smoldering over the Great Password Hunt.

From the "out of left field" department

Patrik Elias is having a sneaky good year.

• After reading all those New Jersey season obituaries after Marty Brodeur injured his elbow, you'd think there would be just as many headlines about the Devils' astounding offensive run. According to the awesome highlight show NHL on the Fly, the Devils have scored 26 goals in their last six games. That's more than 4 goals per game.

It's been a banner year for the fascinating blog Brodeur is a Fraud and hockey pundits who downplay the importance of a franchise goaltender. Seriously, Tim Thomas?

• Couldn't find a high quality version of David Krejci's spectacular goal one night after the fact, but this video still includes it. One of my absolute favorites of the year.
  

Who saw Krejci coming? It seems like he's legitimately good, too: his 32 points in 31 games is pretty unreal for someone who's supposed to be a third-liner. Seriously, he's hotter than Carla Gugino right now. It's pretty hard to top 23 points in 13 games and points in all but one.

• The NHL Network, NHL '09 and the hockey blogosphere are like a potpourri of crack for a puck nerd. Until the NHL Network, it looked like NHL Center Ice would be for next year but now my addiction is too severe.

• Late 2008 is, dare I say, an almost unprecedented period of cross-sport regular season dominance.

Not since the days of Big Van Vader have we seen such dominance

Even though they're floundering in a worrisome way now, the New York Giants were steamrolling teams week after week. The Sharks' reign of terror broke a few irrelevant "at 30 games played" all-time records. Last but not least, the Los Angeles Lakers, Cleveland Cavaliers and Boston Celtics are on paces that challenge the best video game seasons in ridiculous winning percentages.

It looks like 2009 might be "reality check" time, although that probably won't be the case in basketball. The Lakers and Sharks going on the road more often will give those teams their truest tests.

• Everyone probably knows this already, but make no mistake about it: Mats Sundin went to Vancouver for money. That doesn't mean he's wrong or that the Canucks aren't worthy, it's just hard not to roll your eyes when people try to paint any other picture.

Surely, having a shit load of Swedes doesn't hurt either.

The digi-impact of Mats Sundin

When the Mats Sundin saga finally came to an end with the announcement that he would join the Sedins, Sami Salo and Mattias Ohlund in Vancouver, most people were thinking of his real life impact. Will the 'Nucks go top-heavy with a three 'dins line? Will they spread the wealth by putting Sundin with some of their hard working, offensively-challenged wingers?

But after just a few moments, I wondered: will the addition of Sundin make for a new digi-power in NHL '08? The Sedin twins, Sundin, Demitra, Kesler and Wellwood is actually make a halfway decent group of forwards. At least when you consider the fact that Luongo's alongside Brodeur as the best goalie in the game.

Here's a completely biased list of the best teams in NHL '08. Where do the Canucks fit in?



Detroit Red Wings

Would be totally unfair if it weren't for that flopping sonofawhore Osgood. Stacked with stars, depth and straight killahs in the faceoff circle.

San Jose Sharks

Hate to admit it but they're kinda cheap too. Two stars, some very solid depth guys, interchangeable D and an elite goalie. DAMN, Gina. Damn. Gina.

Montreal Canadiens

The Canadiens seem like a team for NHL 09 connoisseurs. They don't have one outrageously good forward, D or goalie and the lack of top scorer does hurt them sometimes. But their real life breakneck style translates well into the digi-arena.

Anaheim Ducks

Not my first choice, but they've got some good forwards, two ridiculous D and an elite goalie. They were once the ultimate cheese team but they're not so bad now.

New Jersey Devils

The Devils are the ultimate video game team. Let that sentence soak in for a moment.

They've got a bizillion solid forwards: Elias, Parise, Madden, Rolston and Holik (really). The D's better than last year and Brodeur's still a beast.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Even though they're my boys, the Pens aren't my team. They are just AWFUL at faceoffs and I can't seem to ever get their lines right.

***

So, those are the best teams in the game IMO. Which teams do you like to use? Is it best to use your favorite team, the best team overall or to take the high road and use a more workmanlike digi-group?

The New BoC

Congrats to my homies at the Battle of California: after 2 1/2 years on indie label blogspot, the band scored a major record deal with SBN. The new site is here and will be updated it the blog list as soon as I'm done here.

As far as my eternally unclear role, I expect to post semi-regularly there much like I did before. Basically it's been difficult to post anything about the Stars this year since it's kind of kicking the "These Guys Really Suck" horse to death but we'll see. Maybe an Avery-free Stars team will start to make noise.

ANYWAY, just wanted to pass that note along to the 2 out of 5 readers who didn't come here from BoC. The future is so bright we gotta wear shades, you cocksuckers.

Making lemonade out of Avery's lemons

LAST BOC/CLS DOUBLE POST FOR A WHILE, REALLY!

This Sean Avery story sure has legs, doesn't it? Before this it seemed like the only time the NHL was the top story was if Todd Bertuzzi broke someone's neck (although hockey being a lead story only when something bad happens still rings true).

On Wednesday, the Avery coverage just wrecked every other big story. It was:

• The lead story on "Rome is Burning."
• No. 4 on ESPN's insufferable "Around the Horn."
• The first topic during "Pardon the Interruption." Among others ...
  

Is it a slow sports day or is everyone just tired of talking about how much of a dumbass Plaxico Burress can be? (And where the hell does the name Plaxico come from? I guess I'd have a bad attitude too if my name was a combination of a plaque-killing mouthwash and Mexico)

ANYWAY, since this story is quickly getting beaten into the ground, why don't we have some more fun with it? With that in mind, the NHL should take advantage of it's rare moment in the sports spotlight. Here's a few suggestions free of charge:

Sean Avery punching bags - All the satisfaction of slapping the taste out of Avery's mouth without the momentum killing penalty minutes! Deluxe version includes simulated Avery whines and whimpers. Tears of pain and overpaid athlete blood not included.

All this punching bag needs is a designer shirt, molester mustache and a shit-eating grin.

A "Sloppy Seconds" Charity Dinner - With Thanksgiving only a week old, perhaps a hearty helping of the last remaining leftovers is in order. And if the NHL really wants to make Avery regret his comments, why not make the mainstream media's favorite agitator the bus boy? Other recommended celebrity bus boys: Theo Fleury, Claude Lemieux and Barry Melrose.

Avery endorsed "hot water bottles" - Because no one knows them better than the King of the Douches.

Dion Phaneuf made guest editor of GQ- First, Phaneuf steals his girl. Then he becomes the cover star of NHL 09. And the final insult: Phaneuf completes the "anything you can do I can do better" trifecta by trumping Avery's scrawny Vogue internship by guest editing a superior magazine. Admit it, that would be awesome.

Gary Bettman starts his "hey, I'm not THAT bad, right? RIGHT?" tour of Canadian cities without NHL teams - The Napoleonic blunder should seize Avery's "indefinite" suspension by going on a tour to polish his image. Sure, Bettman is to the NHL as George W is to the USA but ... he's not napalming cities, right? For every Joseph Stalin there's an Adolf Hitler.

Apologies to Stalin's mustache for that unfair Bettman comparison.

Even Hitch's 'stache cannot hang

Avery, Cuthbert, Phaneuf and secret guest Avery's childhood baby sitter appear on Dr. Phil - Sure, Dr. Phil is a choad. But can you imagine his twang-heavy chiding of Avery for the sloppy seconds remark? And then a further examining of Avery's alleged cross dressing youth? Gold, you miserable sons of bitches, gold!

-------------------------------------------

Finally, I'd like to apologize for Benedict Arnold-ing the NHL 09 club. But, dammit, I'm impatient and it was hard to get all the ducks in a row. Anyone who joined the club/was thinking of joining the club is more than welcome to join me on the whacky new team I've on. Please, alleviate my guilt.

ALL-EV-I-ATE IT!

Come on now

Sloppy seconds? Seriously? The NHL's collective feathers are ruffled over this?

Still, reactions from Marty Turco, Mike Modano, Brad Richards and Mike Ribeiro show that this Sean Avery experiment isn't exactly going well. We're only in December and the team is already clearly exasperated.

Obviously, Avery needs father figures and/or players who obviously wear the pants. In Detroit, he was just some annoying gnat of an undrafted free agent in a locker room full of larger than life personalities. After that, he's been in big markets where hockey isn't exactly the main event (LA, New York and Dallas) so he could cultivate his bad boy image without the necessary "But he's actually not all that productive" backlash.

It keeps feeding that gluttonous Avery ego. Don't expect it to stop anytime soon.

Is it already safe to call this a lost season for Dallas?

Bertuzzday: Whacky NHL commercials

As a continuation of last week's Bertuzzday, let's take a look at some of the most unintentionally hilarious commercials in hockey history (with a few, like Hockey Falls, that are probably intentional):

First, Hockey Falls:



The immortal Wooden Colby Armstrong/McLovin Talbot/stilted Gonchar/English-impaired Malkin car commercial:



"Charlie, come out here and get your whoopin'"



Hilariously awful Mario Lemieux commercial (thanks, Pensblog):



Pretty sure Rudy Kelly was the first to spot this ridiculous Kings commercial (Hard to believe this came out recently):



Call to Arms: there was a ridiculous Florida Panthers commercial where Olli Jokinen and others kept exchanging glances and nodding. It is absolutely absurd and awesome. If you know where to find it let me know. There might be more weird commercials soon.

Teaming with the Enemy

Look at that idiot.

After getting done gritting my teeth over another "say goodbye to the lovable, awesome Phoenix Suns of old" type article the other day - and spending the requisite time cursing Shaquille O'Neal's improbable name - it occurred to me that my favorite teams employed quite a few scoundrels, varmints and general dick heads.

Sure, Shaq is personable. And occasionally hilarious with his monotone, space cadet delivery. But on the strength of Steve Kerr's conspiratorial aim to dismantle the Suns, Shaq managed to de-ball the only watchable team in the NBA.

With my hatred of Shaq boiling, let's take a look of other guys I hated even as they wore my favorite pieces of laundry:

When Ron Dayne got the ball, you knew shit was going to happen. To the Giants.

The Giants are kicking an astounding amount of ass lately, but there have been far more instances of Big Blue kicking me in the balls. Thankfully, the most painful memories erased themselves from my brain thanks to the passage of time and ... college. Really, all that lingers from the REALLY bad days is a fear of Danny Kanell and a deep hatred of Dan Reeves.

So, really, the most distinct era before Eli took over involved coaches pushing the chips in, making bad poker analogies and Kerry Collins turning the ball over in the clutch. But as uncomfortable as it was to watch Collins bumble around like, well, a recovering alcoholic, no player drew my ire quite like Ron Dayne.

Before Ricky Williams bonged his way to the all-time NCAA rushing record, Dayne wrecked shit at the University of Wisconsin. Despite his collegiate heroics, most NFL teams had a small problem with him being kind of a fat, slow piece of shit who couldn't break a goddamn tackle.

Sadly, the Giants were not one of those teams. They drafted him and - mainly because of Tiki Barber starting his run at calling a co-host "a medal cunt" - the New York media dubbed him "Thunder" in "Thunder and Lightning." Sadly, a more appropriate moniker would have been "Blubber and Fumbling."

Being that baseball is approximately my 50th favorite sport, watching a shaky closer come to the mound is not a typical feeling for me. But watching Dayne amble onto the field probably produced the closest comparison: every time he would touch the ball, something awful would happen.

Watching Dayne run the ball is the NFL's equivalent to an endless loop of the Pre-Getting the Girl part of bland romantic comedies. Tedious and terrible. You just cannot wait until it is over.

Yucky.

Pittsburgh Penguins are treated a lot like UN ambassadors in my world. They are allowed to commit minor crimes and parking violations with nary a batted eyelash.

But there still were a few guys I hoped would crash through the ice and somehow drown.

Although he served the Pens with reasonable vigor, it never sat right with me to see the villainous John Leclair in a Penguins uniform. And, as if the karma of such a move wasn't questionable, don't forget that Leclair was involved in an on-ice collision that made Evgeni Malkin's wild rookie season that much more difficult.

The bigger douche, though, was probably Matthew Barnaby. Simply being himself was bad enough, but the Pens traded Stu Barnes for that meddlesome douche. Now, that will not do.


A Rod = the final nail in baseball's coffin.

So, those are the guys who found a way to bypass loyalties and bias and earn good, old fashioned disdain. What about you, wary reader? Which players stirred up your inner Philly fan? Who are the guys you wanted to pelt with boos and batteries?

Join my digi-team (repost from BoC)

For the first week or two of its release, I bandied about the interwebs playing NHL '09 with a group of whacky Canadians. Aside from their silly accents, these guys were GOOD. They played like ... dare I say, a team.

Soon enough, though, Time Warner Cable put it in my pooper (metaphorically, I hope). That meant an internet connection as consistent as Oprah's weight and a tragic inability to fight for the polygonal Cup with my Canadian pals. Eventually, the team either dissolved or decided that it would be best if we saw other people.

Enough background, here's the deal: I started an EA Sports League team called Battle of Sedins and my roster includes only my doppelganger Sad Panda. This saddens and enrages me. So, if you have a copy of NHL 09, an X-Box Live account and a modicum of digi-talent, message/friend request/whatever me on X-Box Live so we can represent for our blogging gangstas.

Not sure what kind of demand there will be with this, but at first it will definitely be a first come first serve thing. (Naturally, BoC contributors will get on the team even if they suck balls) Eventually, we might get to the point be a B-team or some roster cuts, but that's another story for another day.

My gamertag is jimbobri. Since this team is for the BoC as well as my fledgling blog, I decided a BoC-team neutral logo would be best (so it's a European league mascot - a polar bear biting through a stick ... fucking sweet, right?). While I'm here let's discuss a few things:

• Goalies will be treated as prima donnas, second only to myself and BoC writers. If you're really good at goalie in this game, you'll probably not going to need to worry about going on waivers.
• Douches aren't necessarily barred. It just depends on what type of douche you are. Being the wrong kind of douche will get you kicked off the team. Want more specifics? Eh, fuck you. Remember, I make the rules.

(the power's already going to my head)

• Don't be a dick about playing defense or a position you don't want to play. Not everyone can be blond haired, blue eyed quarterbacks, you know.
  
• Use a headset. Yes, the headset is ridiculous and its use means you don't deserve to get laid for a week ... but it's necessary. C'mon, you know you want to hear me burn the roof of my mouth with a grilled cheese sandwich and admonish you for my own mistakes. Don't be delusional.
  

So, right now, that's the criteria. If you're tired of your team, looking for your first team or just want to hear my awful voice and even worse jokes, let me know. Most likely I'll be on and off for much of Wednesday and probably for a bit on Turkey Day (anything to get away from my dreadful family). It would be pretty kick ass if we could get at least 3-5 people on at the same time before my brother says something crazy while eating stuffing. God, I hate Thanksgiving.

Anyway, it's time for you to rejoice. Finally, your meaningless lives can be temporarily satisfying!!!

Bertuzzday: The NHL's dopey Heman advertising campaign

He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy's will to be imposed on him. He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy's will to be imposed on him. He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy's will to be imposed on him.

All lockout and no play makes NHL marketing a dull boy.

Coming out of the lockout, Gary Bettman and Co. were trying to re-establish or reignite hockey's place in the sports world. During this process, the league left its unappreciative, abusive lover in ESPN for the sexually mundane but clingy Outdoor Life Network (which showed its undying love by changing its network name to the more sensible and less shit-kick-uous Versus). Thankfully, the league bounced back because it opened up the game in a variety of ways. The game sold itself.

And it had to, because christ almighty, those advertisements were Monster Energy Drink rejects. Somewhere Ridley Scott and Jerry Bruckheimer were waiting for royalty checks.

The scene starts off with a quote from The Art of War, following the time honored tradition of comparing a child's game to war. Sure, getting a Chris Pronger elbow to the head hurts but most people would prefer an attack from Stompy over shrapnel to the throat.

The war analogy is weak, but the execution is even worse. The scene starts with homoerotic man boobage only to be followed by misogyny, when TUPH ACTOR HOCKEY PLAYER is too manly to put on his hockey equipment. Nope, he needs some random piece of ass to suit him up.

Then we see TAHP square off with Bland Hockey Opponent in NHL logo Gear.

BHOiNLG: "Nervous?"

TAHP: "This is going to be fun!"

Whoa-ho. Look out Gladiator. The NHL is coming to wreck your shit! Cue the sexy female narrator and get her the Lao Tzu lines! Now, dammit!

Perhaps the most hysterical part is the ending, when the puck streams iconic hockey images on both sides on its journey to the UBER COOL GAME WINNING GOAL. That definitely made the Fox exec behind the GloPuck cream his pants.

Instead of using a generic war movie orchestra score, the NHL should have just used Godsmack. It worked for the US Army, why can't it work for a fake hockey army?

Over time the NHL's gotten better at realizing that its fans (and potential fans) are no longer impressed by meathead commercials and that hockey's niche sport status suggests a humorous approach. Over the last few years, they've hit their stride with very funny commercials (featuring Joe Thornton, Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin) and even came up with some solid cereal ones too (kinda dig this year's "talking inside the photo/Zack Morris freeze-time inspired" spots, but the real champ is that sweet ass Stanley Cup montage). Those ad campaigns actually are a solid example of the NHL listening to its fans, even if the league's hearing is rather selective *COUGH*Fire Gary Bettman *COUGH COUGH.*

Next week, we'll take a look at the absurdly goofy and strange ads from past and present (here's a hint, Max Talbot might make an appearance). I want to make sure I get as many of the best quirky NHL ads so please link any relevant ridiculous local commercials in the comments.

Until then, here's four of the better NHL ads to come in recent times:





God, this Cup raising commercial is just amazing:

Picking the brain of Sportsnet's fantasy guru Chris Nichols

There are not many people I blindly trust. One of those people is Sportsnet's fantasy hockey guru Chris Nichols.

The guy's been the ace up my sleeve for YEARS and his advice gives me almost an unfair edge on the competition. Perhaps the most useful thing he does is liveblog every game, every night. For comparison's sake, I struggle to bathe on a daily basis. This man is a beast.

Since he is an absolute fantasy hockey force, it seemed only natural to e-mail him a few of my snark-laced questions. The result: a neat little look into the life of NHL's answer to The Talented Mr. Roto.

Q: Your bio gives a nice rundown of how you got started, but what do you think made you gain recognition? Was there ever a moment when you thought, "you know, I might actually be able to make a living doing this"?

I don't think there was really one moment, at least for me. It has all just sort of evolved over the years.

Aside from working for several high profile sites over the years (ESPN.com, Canoe.ca and now Sportsnet.ca), word of mouth is really how anything spreads really effectively on the internet these days. When people post links to my blog on whichever message board they frequent or just talk about the blog at work; it all helps. A hockey player makes his money by putting points up on the board or playing good D, but someone in my position relies on daily hits.

I think anyone who reads me for a few days can tell how much I love what I do and how hard I work. If they like what they see then they'll come back for more.

Maybe if I had to name one thing that has helped set me apart is the relationships I develop with readers over the years. I think people appreciate the care that goes into each Q&A answer and since I first started doing this I've always made it a point to answer as many emails as is humanly possible. People notice that sort of effort and it has helped to grow a really loyal base of readers.

Seeing the same names pop up year after year is pretty cool, actually. In some sort of weird, new-age Internet way it's like an extended family.

Can a fantasy hockey writer relate to Ron White's family dinner experiences?

Q: It seems like you legitimately live blog each game every night. Is there ever a Saturday when you'd rather roam the streets and huff paint (like I do most Saturdays) instead of examining Marian Gaborik's wonky groin and updating Mats Sundin's comeback?

I definitely do live blog every single game and it's a big time commitment, for sure. It also certainly puts a crimp in making plans to do much else from October through the later rounds of the playoffs when there aren't games every night, but this is absolutely what I want to be doing each night.

There are generally a few nights each week of light games and there's also the Christmas and All-Star breaks, so it's all good. Better this than having to do something I hated every day.

Q: Sometimes I wonder if fantasy writers read each others' material. It seems like most are divided into two camps: the "I won't spoil my opinions with the thoughts of others" camp vs. the soaking up every little bit of information camp. How do you approach that situation?

That's actually one of the benefits of doing so many blogs live daily... it's just an instant reaction to the events of the time, which also ideally helps my readers get a jump on everyone else in their pool.

The trade deadline and the first week of free agency are excellent for that as well because when readers look at live blogging they can get a sense of which writers get it and which ones don't. Then they can decide for themselves which material they find most useful.

Although I make it a specific point to avoid other fantasy articles, I do think it's great for the industry in general that the internet and the popularity of fantasy sports overall have each grown immeasurably since I started doing this professionally in 2002.

Q: Are you able to make this your full-time job or do you do something else on the side?

During the season I work 12-16 hours a day, seven days per week and in the off-season it's more like regular job hours. So there'd be no time for anything else if I wanted to do it. Fortunately there's a good market for what I bring to the table, so I don't have to worry about it.

Q: Even the wisest and most talented writers have articles they wish could be deleted from the archives. Over the years, what endorsements do you find most embarrassing and what breakthroughs gave you the greatest "I called it" feelings?

I learned a long time ago that you just have to let that stuff go and move forward each day. Don't get too high with a great pick and don't sweat the ones that don't work out. When you do this every day, year after year there are going to more than enough of each to go around.

Whatever I write is what I feel at the time based on the information available... let the chips fall where they may.

With a smile like this, who wouldn't love Hemsky?

Q: On some level, I think everyone has some bias. Sure, it seems like my bias is killed when Todd Bertuzzi ends up on my team year after year (seriously, I hate Bertuzzi) but rarely will my team include a Philadelphia Flyer. Are there any guys you cannot stand or never seem to draft, rationally or not? Any players that you'll give unlimited patience, even though you know you shouldn't?

I guess by definition we each have some bias because there's always something in our own experience that leads us to act/ react the way we do to anything in life.

I usually have virtually unlimited patience for players I believe in, so if that's the case then it's really not a case of knowing I should punt them to the curb. Even though I've got favourite players, I think I do a pretty decent job of putting the bias to the side when it comes to actual fantasy output expectations.

Ales Hemsky is probably the perfect example in the blog. Hemsky Nation has been a running theme since his rookie campaign and I always say that when choosing between Hemsky and an equal player the tie goes to the Hemsky; but there are plenty of examples where I'll tell a reader to choose someone else if they'd make a better pick for that person's roster.

In terms of avoiding or picking certain players in any given draft, it's generally just a case of picking certain types of players more than anything else. Power forwards, scoring D with good peripherals, etc are guys I tend to target, so often it'll be the same core group of players year in and year out.

Q: Being that you do a twice-per-week Q & A, you probably get some pretty dumb questions (mine included). What are some of your biggest pet peeves with those sessions and about fantasy hockey in general?

There really isn't anything that bugs me and keep in mind that until this year the Q&A generally ran five days a week, so I've literally answered several tens of thousands of questions over the years. I really don't think there are dumb questions because there are different experience levels of fantasy owners, so I try to treat each of them as such.

Every poolie has to start somewhere and I'm actually fairly proud of the fact that I've created a forum that can cater to both newbs and seasoned vets and offer something substantial to each.

There is one thing that bugs me though, since you asked. When I see a read receipt attached to an email in my inbox it makes me want to hit "delete" right away. It's almost Pavlovian.

Q: How do your friends and family react to your job? Do they understand it at all? Cannot help but picture a situation like that of comedian Ron White: Thanksgiving dinner is awkward as his brothers and sisters talk about their jobs as doctors and lawyers and he's ... a comedian. When you got the job, did your father just furrow his brow and say, "you're doing WHAT to hockey???"

Some get it and some have no clue. And when I say no clue, I mean no clue. Like, they grasp that hockey is involved and I do my work on a computer and that's about it.

Then the people who do understand what it's all about razz me regularly because even though they know what sort of hours I put in, it still basically just involves watching hockey and writing about it. This job doesn't suck, to be sure.

I also think it's hilarious when people write in and tell me that my blog has been blocked on their work computer because the word "fantasy" appears in it and that's interpreted as dirty content... never mind the fact that they'd be wasting countless hours studying up for their poolie teams.

Q: How do you feel about PIM as a stat?

I'd say I've generally been in the 80% "it's a positive" and 20% "it's a negative" camp. In the past year or so I'd say it's much closer to 50/50. The thing that has really turned me off the PIM category in general for fantasy has been how 10-minute misconducts are sometimes handed out so quickly and they make such a huge difference in pools over the course of a season. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like there have been a lot more handed out in the last year or so.

I'm still more or less ok with it because you could make an argument against second assists or the validity of a game winning goal in a 6-2 route or any number of things.

I'm pleased at the rising number of instances I see average time on ice included as a pool stat though.

Rod Brind'Amour sports a -14 yet not too long ago he won a Selke trophy. Hmmm.

Q: What about plus/minus? In real hockey terms, do you think it's relevant? Is it a good stat at least in fantasy hockey or is just all around worthless?

It's not worthless, but it's fairly obvious that there are average players on great teams that have a better +/- than some great two-way guys on horrible teams. Put Rod Brind'Amour on Detroit and he'd challenge the league leaders.

But that's life. There are average guys skating in a top six slot that benefit from playing with stars and they're more valuable than someone who's perhaps a better player but has little talent surrounding him somewhere else.

Q: Describe the perfect fantasy hockey setup from categories to head to head vs. Roto.

I can't equate anything H2H-related with the word "perfect" unless there's a realistic cap placed on the amount of games played each week. Some people swear by it, which is fine, but I'm not a big fan of adding/ dropping so many players each day and week. I'm a roto guy through and through, although I can understand the attraction of the playoff system in H2H.

I'm not a big fan of stat modifiers when it comes to fantasy either, so any league I created would treat goals/ assists/ GWG/ PPP all evenly.

As an example, in my own keeper league we use fairly standard stats of G, A, +/-, PIM, PPP, SOG for skaters and GAA, SV% and wins for goalies. I wouldn't mind shutouts either, but it wasn't an option when we started it years ago and we didn't feel it'd be fair to include it now after the stud goalies had already been spoken for in the league.

I also prefer leagues with daily transactions as opposed to setting line-ups once per week.

The bottom line though is that whatever works for each group of owners is perfection.

Q: Feel free to add anything I might have forgotten. Is there anything else people should know about blogging and Mr. Nichols in general?

There's not really a whole lot to tell. I really, really enjoy what I do and aside from judging cheerleader competitions there isn't much else I can think of that I'd rather be doing professionally.

I think the most rewarding thing for me in this job is actually making a small difference in someone's life. Although people go into pools to have fun, they want to do as well as possible and being an extremely competitive owner is more fun than losing badly.

If a few tweaks that I can help implement and philosophies that I can pass along end up taking someone from third to first place or even eighth to fourth... then it's a good feeling.

spreadsheet links

Bertuzzday: Great things come in pairs

These duos are less Batman and Robin and more Toe Jam & Earl (two great teammates who rocked the world fairly equally)

Even though sports market individuals, just about every successful sports star needed a second banana or running mate. Joe Montana needed Jerry Rice. Michael Jordan never truly took off until the Bulls found Scottie Pippen. David Ortiz was unstoppable when Manny was being Manny.

The NHL is no different. Over the years, the league's most exciting and successful teams typically featured some terrific combinations. Often they're more than the sum of two players, but many of them center depend on two great athletes. With that in mind, let's take a look at some of the best duos past and present.

Sidney Crosby/Evgeni Malkin and Henrik Zetterberg/Pavel Datsyuk

You only need to look back to last season's Stanley Cup Finals to see a prime example of dynamic duos.

On one hand, there was media darling Sidney Crosby and silent assassin Evgeni Malkin. They only play on the same line sporadically - both being natural centers - but when put together the results are lethal. No doubt about it, that Penguins team had great supporting cast members but Crosby/Malkin accelerated their run to the final round sooner than most expected.

Unfortunately for Pens fans, the Zetterberg-Datsyuk combination proved even more deadly. Surely those two benefited from outstanding support players including top five all-time defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom, but Zetterberg and Datsyuk showed a keen ability to shut down the Penguins great forwards while pitching in some key goals.

Joe Sakic/Peter Forsberg

Along with Patrick Roy, arguably the best goaltender in NHL history, Forsberg and Sakic were the preeminent pivot 1-2 punch back in the early part of this decade and late Nineties. With their seemingly cohesive skills (Forsberg's cerebral playmaking and Sakic's supreme wrist shot), you'd think they'd make ideal linemates. Instead, Forsberg made good players like Alex Tanguay and Milan Hedjuk into All-Stars while Sakic provided opposing defenses with the impossible riddle of "who do you stop?"

Forsberg's game seemed a bit more transcendent than Sakic's but Burnaby Joe was more dependable and was just as much of a clutch performer as Foppa. Either way the two combined for 2 Stanley Cups, a few Hart trophies and a tense rivalry with the Detroit Red Wings.


Mario Lemieux/Jaromir Jagr

It didn't end well, but few pairings in NHL history compare to Lemieux-Jagr. With Lemieux being a center and Jagr being a right wing, the two were able to make music together for a few unforgettable seasons. And few defenses had an answer when the Penguins also lined up fellow hockey HoFer Ron Francis with the two superstars.

I'll never forget the quirky stat that was broken once Mario Lemieux came back from retirement: at that time, Lemieux assisted on 68 of Jagr's career goals and Jagr assisted 66 of Lemieux's career goals. Sometimes obscure stats become downright spooky.

Scott Niedermayer and Chris Pronger/Scott Stevens

Niedermayer played on some of the most dominant defensive teams of the last 20 years and has up close experience with two of the sport's most controversial hitters. However you feel about Stompy Pronger's line-pushing intimidation and Stevens' head hunting, their work with the smooth skating Niedermayer accounted for four Stanley Cup championships and suffocating defense.

Brian Trottier/Mike Bossy

Retrospectively overshadowed by the Wayne Gretzky-led Edmonton Oilers dynasty, the New York Islanders accomplished the extremely rare four-peat on the back of this stunning combination. Trottier ranks as one of the best two-way forwards in hockey history while Bossy is considered by some to be the purest goal scorer the league's every seen.

Sadly, I was a but a twinkle in my father's eye during this time so my only account is through the eyes of others.

Wayne Gretzky/Mark Messier or is it Wayne Gretzky/Jari Kurri?

Those Oilers teams were loaded like a Madden dynasty full of players with 99 ratings. Still, I'm a Penguins fan and plenty of ink has been spilled to praise the Great One. So, take this time to remember how great they were. Didn't get to see much of them myself.

Bobby Hull's balls made one of the greatest players of all-time. All mine have done is make a towel crusty.

Stan Mikita/Bobby Hull

Greatest Hockey Legends featured an illuminating piece on Stan Mikita, who for many younger fans was known only as the namesake for a Wayne's World restaurant but clearly was much more. It's arguable that Mikita was far superior to his famous, Archie Manning-ish counterpart in Bobby Hull. (Of course, Mikita cannot claim that a 600-goal scorer came from his balls)

Check out Pelletier's great piece on Mikita to get some nice perspective on a forgotten great.

Phil Esposito/Bobby Orr

"Jesus saves, but Espo scores on the rebound."

A great bumper sticker that highlighted just how beloved the Bruins once were in Beantown. Few Masser sports figures can match Bobby Orr's greatness, but who knows if #4 Bobby Orr would've hoisted a single Cup if the Bruins hadn't gotten Esposito in one of the most one-sided trades in sports history.

They didn't like each other, but they didn't have to. Their nicely meshing skills did all the necessary complimenting. Orr would captivate with end-to-end rushes and then get the puck to an eager Espo. A combination that was good for 2 Cups, plenty of goals and a lot of "What-ifs?" because of Orr's sadly brief career.

Not always the best of friends, but Orr and Espo were borderline unstoppable

Some close, but not quite good enough two-somes

Paul Kariya/Teemu Selanne

Two borderline Hall of Famers who put up some pretty impressive numbers. The passage of time hurts their impact but the biggest problems are Kariya's decline and the fact that those Ducks teams were gawd awful.

Markus Naslund/Todd Bertuzzi

It's hard to believe that the former Canucks duo was once the next big thing. Then Bertuzzi broke Steve Moore's neck and Naslund slid far away from elite status. Both are now on different teams, with Bertuzzi shuffling from Florida to Detroit to Anaheim to Calgary in a blindingly bad three years.

Eric Lindros/John LeClair

Their best years were too few and they ended up with no Stanley Cups. Maybe if Lindros didn't have so many lackluster final seasons.

The Mullet gets cut

And replaced by Rick Tocchet, otherwise known as the guy who got busted for gambling with Wayne Gretzky's wife (but, allegedly the Great One was as clean as his image. Allegedly.)

Yikes.

Indeed, my feeling that the Lightning management team was more Dan Synder than Mark Cuban is coming true. Right down to the fact that the Lightning are taking a hit to the wallet after every boneheaded decision. From Mirtle, who must be feeling like a sage:

"Canning Melrose will cost ownership $2.25-million over the next three years, a sum to be added onto the $1.3-million already owed John Tortorella. Tocchet will also almost certainly receive a pay boost for going from an assistant to a head coach."

What an ugly situation. The Lightning were looking awful this year and Melrose certainly bares much of the blame. Simply put, the league is very different from his days with the Los Angeles Kings and Gretzky. And some questioned his coaching ability in those times, too.

Still, the Lightning ownership is wiping the most egg off its face. Their off-season orgy of stupidity involved signing past-their-due-date guys such as Gary Roberts and Mark Recchi, a good trooper but questionable talent in Ryan Malone and a dubious contract year case in Radim Vrbata.

Vrbata = the world's biggest fan of Tampa Bay's management team

They also sent away a decent young prospect in Matt Carle, poorly managed the rookie year of Steve Stamkos and botched the Dan Boyle situation on an epic level.

Just a mind numbingly bad situation that reeks of Isiah Thomas type incompetence. Clearly, Melrose is meant to smile on a loud, quasi-futuristic ESPN set and rock some hockey platitudes. Please Barry, don't make us cringe with another disastrous coaching run. Most of us like you, just stay away from a bench.

As poorly as Melrose was doing, you cannot help but wonder if the Lightning would've been better off letting him submarine the whole season. Then they could get a shot at winning the John Tavares jackpot (if you think that he's not the #1 pick you probably also think that increased ticket sales and fawning media coverage are things NHL teams avoid). Really, even a gambling creep could probably steer a team with Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, Stamkos, Tavares and Co. to a playoff run. Right? RIGHT?

Can you believe this franchise won the Cup within the last five years? Can you believe Tocchet is a head coach while John Tortorella, Pat Quinn and other actually talented coaches wait for a job? What a clusterfuck.

Somewhere Jay Feaster is eating a victory turkey.

That headline is in memory of the great Wesley Willis. Saw him live in some random shack in Oklahoma, but failed to give him what was apparently a standard headbutt (he had what seemed like a horn on his forehead ... just an uncomfortable moment).

Ilya Kovalchuk would look great in a different uniform ... the news cycle!

Barry Trotz graciously accepts his Goofiest Looking Coach Award

• Puck Daddy spotlights yet another great Russian interview, this time with mercurial sniper Ilya Kovalchuk. When Alex Ovechkin burst onto the scene in his rookie year, he was first compared to Kovalchuk and then to Pavel Bure once it was obvious who was the bigger impact player.

While he burnt me the year he was my first round selection in fantasy hockey, he still grabs my attention like few others. Really, with Ovechkin's bumper car checking mentality, Kovalchuk might be a better analog to Bure. He certainly relates to Bure by playing in a struggling Southern US market without much help from his mediocre teammates.

His response of choice to the Thrashers-related probes was to say "wait until 2010," the year he will become an unrestricted free agent. It's obvious why there are trade rumors but the Thrashers would be insane not to throw all their resources at Kovalchuk. Honestly, he's the only reason the franchise deserves to exist.

If he was in a better market or on a decent team, he'd be just a rung or two lower than Crosby-Ovechkin. It's a real sin that he's never been on a hockey video game cover as he ranks as one of the most unstoppable digi forces the polygonal world's ever seen.

• This article is more than a week old but is absolutely worth reading: Michael Farber's "five stealth MVPs."

He brings up the fact that Barry Trotz works miracles with a Nashville Predators club that always seems to persevere through any number of calamities. It's obvious why people do not want to bring this up very often: Nashville is a place meant for country music and inbreeding in the eyes of many. But Trotz is much like the NFL's longest reigning coach Jeff Fisher, and not just because they're both coaching teams in Tennessee.

They both enjoy and earn startling longevity in a sports world where "What have you done for me lately?" is the ultimate management question. (Eddie Murphy must be rolling in his grave.*) Also, Trotz wins the Goofy Looking Coaches Cup in a heated 7-game series with Jacques Lemaire and his comb-over.

* He's not dead you say? Well, I say he died after Beverly Hills Cop and was replaced by an unfunny money grubbing robot. We all miss money grubbing but genius Eddie Murphy with his politically incorrect stand up and his fashionably incorrect loud leather suits.

• Fans wrote in a request for the Penguins to play WHAM! for Alex Goligoski goals (man, how did people not know that George Michael was gay???). While that song will probably gain more support, I'd like to recommend a dark horse candidate in The Go! Team:

Miami Five-O for the win.

• Am I the only one who gets annoyed that NHL 09 allows people to interfere so much? Every time there's a loose puck, some online douche hits me illegally while trying to retrieve it. And a little part of me dies.

• From the shameless bewbage department: Eyes on the Prize features hot women with Montreal Canadiens merchandise. If you need something to do to kill time, just play "Guess the PhotoShopped images!"

Cleavage: nature's billboard

• A lot of people are annoyed that Habs fans keep stuffing the ballot box. My main reaction is a whole lotta "Meh." Although I agree that Habs fans should focus their efforts on continued bra stuffing instead.

• During the switch from Time Warner Satan Cable to Hopefully better Verizon FIOS, I've been without Center Ice for at least three weeks. Every steak tastes less juicy. Every morning less crisp. Every wound less gaping.

Life will go on but the question is: should it?

Outing the Shootout

Sometimes Google Image Searches now better than I

In an attempt to be persuasive, some people go a little bit overboard. Maybe they'll distort facts or use statistics selectively. Perhaps, instead, it will lead to an attack on a person's credibility. Or simply an attack.

But in most situations of debate (heated or otherwise), there's usually a kernel of wisdom that can be found with either side - as hard as that is to imagine when you're pointing your finger and flinging yell-spit in your opponent's face.

Such a scenario comes to mind when normally rational hockey fans discuss the shootout. On one side, there's the hockey purist who cannot stop his or her blood from boiling when a team earns a win from a skills competition. In the other corner: the devil-may-care, shootout loving iconoclasts. Their battle is mostly full of snark but occasionally a little venom slips into the water supply.

One hockey blogger went as far as to disavow the palpable, obvious buzz that takes place before a shootout. Unfortunately, the memory of the precise puckhead escapes me, which is probably for the best. But basically the author claimed that the aforementioned buzz was a coincidence. That it was happening just because of the shared realization that the game was near an end.

Or some incomprehensible load of drivel shit.

Say what you want about shootouts, you're just an unflinching douche if this goal didn't make you smile.

Look, most hockey fans agree on two things: Gary Bettman sucks and a shootout win proves nothing. Facts like those don't, however, change the fact that a lot of the ticket buying public enjoys seeing shootouts. Every time I've been at a hockey game with a shootout the audience was enraptured, engaged and delighted. All eyes were on that nervous forward and that beleaguered goalie.

Honestly, there's only two GUARANTEED times when people will stop what they are doing and watch a hockey game: a fight and the shootout. Plenty of hockey fans/purists/stat heads struggle with this fact but the evidence is undeniable.

There are times in life when you simply need to make the best of a situation. We may not like that a winner is crowned by an arbitrary event, but at least that event can bring about the occasional moment of transcendence (and give players like Marek Malik and Jussi Jokinen a brief moment in the spotlight). Sure, it sucks balls that a true winner isn't crowned and it sucks even hairier balls that some teams might make or miss the playoffs due to their shootout prowess or lack thereof. If given the choice, I'd abolish the shootout but there are worse injustices in the sport.

Like the great prophet Sean Connery would say, "Buck up, Chap." And rub some dirt on it. Maybe you should let that frozen pond once known as your heart melt a little and learn to squeeze some enjoyment out of shootouts. Just this week we got the treat of watching Mike Ribeiro bamboozle a goalie with a one-handed deke and subsequently enrage literally hundreds of Kings fans in the process.



Honestly, is this THAT much worse than kissing your sister?

Don't forget the 'fame' in Hall of Fame

Bure was one of the most dynamic players the NHL's ever seen

Pavel Bure was a Dominique Wilkins on ice. He had highlight reel goals, locomotive speed and an excellent sense of The Moment. Maybe he didn't persist with Recchi-like longevity, but he dazzled like few others.

Eric Lindros was supposed to be The Next One. Few will forget - and many will never forgive - Lindros for holding out as the #1 pick of the Quebec Nordiques only to be traded for a bunch of players, including the superior Peter Forsberg. His parental over involvement and squabbles with Bobby Clarke certainly did not impress.

But for a brief period of time, Lindros was an irresistible force. Even Cam Neely didn't provide a more unreal combination of brutality and deft artistry. With fellow power forward John LeClair and hockey trivia filler Mikael Renberg, Lindros lead the feared Legion of Doom line (which, by the way, is the last hockey line to have an awesome nickname) to dominance. My hockey youth was spent hating Lindros and reveling in Darius Kasparitis taking advantage of Lindros keeping his head down, but there might not be a player in sports who scared me more.

Bure and Lindros couldn't be more different - everything from their playing styles and national origin are complete opposites. They do, however, share at least three traits: they both fell a round short of a Stanley Cup, had injury ravaged careers and most importantly ... they both deserve to be in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Sports pundits get wrapped up in numbers, whether they are Stanley Cups, point totals or Vezina trophies. But they lose track of the fact that they're voting to decide who makes it into the Hall of Fame.

These two players transcended their sport in the ways that only super stars can and that's what they were: super stars. There's only a handful of players every generation who can change the course of a game or playoff series by sheer force of will. Bure and Lindros were two of those players, even if they didn't do it for 15 years.

Evil, but effective: the "Legion of Doom" line

Still, if you really need it, there are some numbers that help their cases for a HoF induction.

Both Bure and Lindros fell well short of 1,000 career points, but they both averaged more than a point per game in the regular season (Bure: 779 in 702 GP; Lindros: 865 in 760 GP) AND in the playoffs (Bure: 70 in 64 GP; Lindros: 57 in 53 GP). At their best, both players were near unstoppable in clutch situations.

In the trap-ravaged, obstruction era of the NHL Bure still managed two 60 goal seasons (92-93 and 93-94), as well as 59, 58 and 51-goal seasons. Keep in mind, two of those 50-goal seasons came as the only real offensive threat on profoundly awful Florida Panthers teams. And Bure also managed one of the greatest scores a Russian athlete can hope for: Anna Kournikova. If that's not HoF worthy, then what is?

Few hockey people would question Peter Forsberg's rightful place in the HoF (whenever he realizes that his seemingly young but eternally injured body is no longer capable of NHL work), but Lindros fails to garner that same level of respect. Even though, as Joe Pelletier points out, their career numbers are surprisingly similar.

In the old tale, the tortoise beats the hare. But the HoF should smile upon that hard charging hare, not promote a "slow, but steady wins the race" type mentality. Besides, if you were playing a hockey pickup game, who would you rather have: Recchi or a healthy Bure/Lindros?

If you answered Recchi, go away. Just get the fuck out of here.