Hockey Orphan: IAMJoe on the Detroit Red Wings

So you’re sitting on your couch. You’re probably in your underwear. It’s sticky, because somewhere along the line last night, you spilled your beer. On the table in front of you, beer cans surround a bag from Taco Bell. It was a harsh night, coming to grips with the fact that your team won’t be making the playoffs this year. You love the NHL playoffs, but its just not the same without having a team to root for. You stumble to the computer, and find yourself at Cycle Like The Sedins, where your NHL playoffs are about to change. You’re about to join the ranks of Red Wings fans across the world.

So why would you root for the Wings? Well, let’s count the reasons:

A History Unmatched By Any Other American Franchise

The Detroit Red Wings have been around since 1926 as a franchise, and in their current incarnation since 1933. In that time, they have 11 Stanley Cups. The Jack Adams trophy (coach of the year) is named after Jack Adams, former Red Wings coach and general manager, and the Norris trophy (defenseman of the year) is named after James Norris, long-time owner of the Red Wings. 39 people are in the Hockey Hall of Fame, having played or staffed with the Red Wings, 35 of which served multiple years with the organization. Of course, that’s not counting at least 4 more sure-fire HoF’ers in Yzerman, Fedorov, Shanahan, and Lidstrom, or the benefactors of the Adopt-A-Star program, like Hasek, Chelios, Hull, and Robitaille.

With a history like that, the Red Wings set a pretty high standard. They don't retire someone's number even though they only spent two seasons there (Nice Bourque banner, Denver!). They don't retire someone's number just because they didn't have any other banners up there. They don't have to do gimmicks, like retiring a number for the fans. They set the bar really, really high, and then they ask every player that enters the organization to try to meet that standard. Even the other American Original Six franchises (the Rangers, Bruins and Blackhawks), hard as they try, can’t even come close to holding a candle to the history of the Detroit Red Wings. As for the Canadian franchises, well, they're dirty anyways, and have rarely been relevant for the last couple decades.

Friends Are Everywhere

No NHL team is more popular on the road than the Red Wings. No matter where you go, you'll find some friends to share a drink and harass opposing fans with. From the thousands of Michigan expatriates (including myself), to the casual fans who get hooked by what amounts to an all-star team, there are Red Wings fans everywhere you go. No matter where you go, you can be sure you'll find fellow Red Wings fans, and together, you can have a couple drinks, and bust the balls of any fans who get in your way. Clad in red and white, surrounded by an aura of self-righteousness, we're even easy to identify. That reminds me...

A Sense of Entitlement

Being the most successful franchise in the NHL for bordering on 15 years now, you'd think the Wings wouldn't have much to complain about. But you have to remember, nobody likes a dynasty, and no matter what, everyone is out to get the Red Wings. They're an eastern timezone team playing in the Western Conference. They get suspended for not showing up to the All-Star game. They even made a salary cap to try and hamstring the Red Wings and allow the rest of the league to catch up... and they still won another Cup. No matter what obstacles the NHL throws at them, the Big Red Machine just keeps plowing through them. I'd say thats pretty admirable, that no matter how the deck is stacked against them, they keep winning. As a freshly minted Red Wings fan, you get to complain about how the league wants to screw you over, and as fans of other teams call you a crybaby, you can just point out to them that you beat them before, and that you're still beating them, no matter what they throw in the way. They're just sore losers anyway.

Classic Cool

A lot of teams out there think its cool to have "alternate" jerseys. But really, only about 4 teams have anything even remotely cool for an alternate jersey (Good on you, St. Louis). Instead of having to go and buy the latest alternate jersey, or the newest redesign, you can rest safe knowing that when you buy a Red Wings jersey today, not only will it be cooler and better looking than nearly any other team's jersey, but that the team will still be wearing the same jersey 20 years from now. Home Improvement and Ferris Bueller both featured prominent Red Wings jerseys, and you can still watch either one and the jersey itself doesn't look dated at all. When you've had nearly the same exact jersey, with minor changes, for the last 75+ years, you're kickin' it old school.

Fighting For Equality

The Red Wings have been fighting to end racism for years now. They were one of the first organizations to aggressively scout overseas in Europe, and that allowed them to draft several Russian and European stars that no one else wanted to take a chance on. They became the first team to play an entire line of Russians. Lidstrom became the European born and trained captain to win a Cup. By embracing these players, even though they looked different, talked funny, and had funny names with lots of extra vowels, the Red Wings helped break down the walls of racism in the NHL. Quite frankly, if you're a fan of people who talk funny, you're already a Red Wings fan. If you're a fan of guys whose names you couldn't spell to save your life, you're already a Red Wings fan. If your name is James O'Brienov or Earl Sleekski or even James Miiirtle, you're already a Red Wings fan.

Welcome to Red Wings fan-dom. Your life just got a whole lot better. Now go take a shower, clean up the beer cans, and put on some pants.

Hockey Orphan: Scotty Hockey on the New York Rangers

Click on the logo for all the Hockey Orphan entries

(The Rangers are an odd combination of the despicable [Glen Sather, the specter of Mark Messier, Sean Avery] and the lovable [Henrik Lundqvist, Brian Leetch, Sean Avery]. However, in the process of putting these specials together, it has become obvious that everyone should take this approach: hate the team, not the blogger. Scotty Hockey is one of the best New York Rangers bloggers out there - and he's been doing it since at least 2007. Besides, how can you NOT like a guy that South Park-ified himself? Can't do it.)

It is a hard task to sway fans to a team that I can't stand. I am a diehard Ranger fan, but I dislike the majority of the team. Through continual mismanagement, the roster has a terrible top end of mediocre talent that is overpriced, underachieving and tremendously infuriating. That being said, there are some diamonds in the rough that make watching the Blueshirts tolerable.

The biggest gem of them all is Henrik Lundqvist. A fan just coming to the sport of hockey may see the overdressed guy at the end of the ice as a curiosity. The extra pads, the big stick, the painted helmet that completely covers his face - all help set the goaltender apart from the other players. And when you look at goaltenders around the league, King Hank is one of the best of the bunch. Cool under fire, Hank won an Olympic gold medal for Sweden (oooo shiny), regularly makes stunning saves and is one of People's sexiest athletes.

Also on that superficial tabloid list is Sean Avery. Even most nonhockey fans know who he is. Wildly entertaining, Avery is worth the (exorbitant) price of admission alone. Any given shift he is up to good or no good - hustling to make scoring chances or driving opponents crazy. He is the guy who said the now two most infamous words in hockey history - "sloppy seconds" and the guy who waved his stick around in front of the fat guy, forcing the league (which has been around for over a hundred years) to come up with an entirely new rule. He brings in his share of fine looking fans himself and why not join them? There is worse company to be in than that of the Olsen twins, Elisha Cuthbert (the aforementioned sloppy seconds) and the model of the month.

Beneath the glamour, there are hard working folks for the fans of blue collar workers. Freddie Sjostrom and Blair Betts are tireless in their penalty killing, bravely throwing their bodies in front of shot after shot - and that hard rubber puck hurts when it hits you at 90 mph. Ryan Callahan won this year's extra effort award for his continual hustle and the kid can score too. Defensemen like the lumberjack-looking Paul Mara, baby-faced Dan Girardi and Marc Staal (of THE Staal family) perpetually battle on the blueline with little publicity.

Ignore the substance-lacking flash of Nik Zherdev, ignore the disgrace to defense that is Wade Redden, ignore the smirk of former Devil Scott Gomez. Look at the wonder that is the World's Most Famous Arena. Madison Square Garden is a mecca of sport and the atmosphere is something to behold. If you want to experience the speed and energy of hockey first hand in a nice quiet environment, spend your yearly salary to sit close to the ice. If you want to experience the awesomeness that is the passion of the dedicated, then move upstairs and get a true hockey education.

The Blueshirt bandwagon is one that is easy to jump on - the one year in the last 69 that the Rangers won the Stanley Cup coincided with the peak of popularity for the entire sport. While it would be nice to have less fans so we could truly protest the bad moves by the bosses, that isn't about to happen in the city in the center of the universe so come along for the ride and let's go Rangers!

Hockey Orphan: Ashley from The Life and Times of a Caniac on the Carolina Hurricanes

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(It's common place to beat up on the smaller and "non-traditional" hockey markets by painting by numbers. However, all you need to do is look back to the Hurricanes Stanley Cup run to see that pucks, blood and high-level talent translate even in the rarest places. I'm sad to say that I hadn't heard of The Life and Times of a Caniac until I started doing Canes-research, but Ashley's been rockin' the pillow lips since 2006. This blog wasn't even a twinkle in my eyes when she was posting about Rod the Bod's squad. Follow TLaToaC for all your Hurricanes needs. Also, don't allow me to write acronyms anymore. Srsly. Thanks, Ashley!)

Hey you!

Yeah, you. With the face. You want to be a hockey fan, eh? Awesome. You want to be a fan of the best team evah!? Excellent. That means you're a Carolina Hurricanes fan. We're called Caniacs. Welcome to the club.

What, you want reasons to be a Canes fan? Well, fine. Be that way. In list form, the reasons why YOU should be a Hurricanes fan:

1) Tailgating
You're not doing anything for a few hours before the game, right? Then arrive early and participate in the ultimate Caniac tradition - tailgating. Started by the Caniacs, this is the best way to put oneself in the hockey mindset. Just bring some food, chairs, a grill and some friends (Don't have any? Southern hospitality makes it easy to make some.) and hang out for a few hours. And if making friends while getting a suntan (did I mention the weather? It's excellently warm in the South) doesn't appeal to you, think of this - cooking your own hotdog is certainly better than paying $4 for one inside the building.

2) Tuomo Ruutu - Eric Staal - Erik Cole
Best line on the face of the planet. There's Eric Staal, our superstar goal-scoring center, Erik Cole, the best forward evah! who can speed past any defenseman, and Tuomo Ruutu who will hit anything in his way (and score a few goals as well). Alone they are merely good - place them on the same line and you have pure awesomeness!

3) The Loudest House in the NHL
You might scoff at this moniker, but until you experience a Canes game in person, you have no idea how loud it can get at the RBC Center. This is ear-bleeding/ringing-ears/can't-hear-anything-for-days-afterwards loud. Seriously, the decibel level has been measured over 130 in this place. Add this to the trademark Caniac Wooooooooooo-ing after a goal is scored, and you have one rockin' house to play hockey at.

4) Chad LaRose
The epitome of hard work, Chad LaRose is the guy everyone loves to cheer on. No matter what position he's at, or how much ice time he's been getting, he always gives 110% every shift every game. Not to mention, despite his rather small stature (supposedly he's 5'10", but I highly doubt that number) he's never afraid to go at it with someone.

Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? Well, it's not. But, just so that I'm not accused of giving a biased opinion (Me, biased towards the Canes? Never!), here's what's not so great about the best team evah!.

1) Stormy
Our mascot is a pig. Seriously. If you want to stop pulling for us because of this, I wouldn't blame you. As a Caniac, I'm pretty ashamed of it myself. Apparently it's supposed to represent the importance of NC agricultural blah blah blah whatever. In reality, it's the only pig that is exempt from a barbeque sandwich in the entire state. Every other mascot looks cool and/or makes sense. Ours is a pig.

2) Inconsistency
Essentially, April and March 2009 excluded, this team is the definition of hot and cold. We'll beat down a conference leader 5-1 in one game, then lose to the worst team 4-0. Most times we can barely string together more than four wins. But then again, we never lose too many in a row either. It makes it really tough when the playoffs are coming - one week you're on a slide out of the playoffs and the next you're playing well enough to get in. Have fun predicting what's going to happen next!

3) Paul Maurice
So, earlier in the season our beloved GM Jim Rutherford fired Peter Laviolette to re-hire the guy Lavi was hired to replace. Doesn't make sense? It didn't to anyone following the team at the time. Granted, Maurice has gotten the team to the playoffs, but he employs a lame dump-and-chase offense that grates against anyone used to the faced-paced offense that Laviolette used to run. Plus, Maurice is a Toronto Maple Leafs cast-off - and that ought to say a lot right there.

There you go - do you need any more persuasion to be a fan? Well, just keep in mind - these Canes are proud winners of the 2006 Stanley Cup. There's a lot of teams that have never got one of those, and are certainly in no place to win one this year. So hop on the bandwagon, new Caniac, and I can assure you that you'll never want to get off!

An undeniably biased review of the Versus/NBC NHL playoff schedule

Wanna plan your playoff viewing schedule? Puck Daddy has all that info in one nice little post.

In the interest of fun and anger creation, I've decided to rank each series 1-8 from my own interest. That being said, the Coverage Rating is based on how well Versus/NBC is meeting the needs of hockey watching audiences. Make sense? No? Then just stare at the pretty pictures.

Ultimately, this year's first round looks INCREDIBLE. The first two series are borderline dream series for your humble author. And keep in mind: we want to have wall-to-wall playoff coverage. Even if the SCF ends up being something blandtastic like New Jersey vs. St. Louis. We'll probably bitch a lot if it's NJD vs. STL, though.

1. Pens - Flyers
All seven games (if necessary) will be televised. Two are eligible for NBC coverage. No surprise: the networks heart Sidney.

The Penguins are my team. The Flyers are the team that could hurt me the most (and have). This series will give me blood pressure issues.

Coverage rating: 66 Buries out of 10

2. BATTLE OF CALIFORNIA
Sorry Sleek, you might have to learn where VS is on your dial. Every game these two teams play will be carried on the Engblom Network

The only series that can challenge Pens/Flyers for my own personal interest is the long time coming BoC. After all, you probably found out about CLS from one of these sources: 1) BoC; 2) Puck Daddy; 3) One of the great contributor blogs from the All-Decade Team and Hockey Orphan.

Coverage rating: 10 Pronger elbows out of 10

3. Boston vs. Montreal
If you want to watch the most storied rivalry in hockey, you either need to have Center Ice or NHL Network needs to save the day. For Americans, at least. Only one game (game 2) is on Versus. Ouch.

Aside from Bos/MTL fans I might be the only one that interested in this series, but damn I really like both of these teams. This could be a brilliant series or a Shakespearean one (Price = Humpty Dumpty; or the Habs ruin the Bruins out-of-nowhere run of greatness), but either way I wish I could see it. People talk all the time about an "East Coast bias" but Versus/NHL obviously has a Canadian bias.

Coverage rating: 2 lethal lines with the Coke-stitsyns (Pun Credit goes to Hockey Dump there) out of 10

4. Chicago vs. Calgary
Three games on American TV

Getting to know - even on a basic Interwebs level - guys like Kent (Calgary) and the Hockee Night guys (and let's not forget Clare) makes this series one that ranks higher in my heart than hockey mind. Plus, I really haven't had the chance to see the Blackhawks as much as I'd like this season. The flimsy coverage makes my heart song weak.

Coverage Rating: 4 Erratic Mike Keenan goalie changes out of 10

5. Detroit vs. Columbus
This one was a shocker. Only three games on Versus for Detroit, one of the golden standards for the NHL? Wow.

This series brings plenty to the table. The majestic, diverse offense of the Red Wings takes on super-hyped rookie goalie Steve Mason. Ken Hitchcock and Mike Babcock matching wits in a true clash of coaching titans. Rick Nash playing in his first playoff games. Possible Drew Carey sightings. Damn. Sign me up.

Coverage Rating: 2 bad Drew Carey jokes out of 10

6. New Jersey vs. Carolina
Only one game is on American TV: and that game (6) might not even happen.

There is a part of me that is actually VERY excited about this series. It's why I picked it over a series featuring the human hockey highlight reel. For one thing, I might hate the trap, but I'm from New Jersey. There's a part of me - evil, indeed; made of coal perhaps - that likes Marty Brodeur and the Loophole Lou Crew. I also have a bleeding heart for Eric Staal, Erik Cole, little Ray Whitney and - dare I say it - even Rod the Bod. Another choice based on my weirdness.

Coverage Rating: 1 trashy New Jersey accent out of 10

7. Washington vs. NYR
Every game in this series (except oddly enough, the first game) is on NBC/Versus.

This series would be in the top 3 if the Rangers weren't so "meh"-tastic. The Henrik Lundqvist-era Rangers are like a mediocre football team: they beat the teams they should beat and lose to the teams that should beat them. Alex Ovechkin is why I will watch every game anyway. In a normal year this would be one of the highlights, but this year is just too full of intrigue for this series to be particularly special.

Coverage Rating: 8 Great 8's out of 10

8. Vancouver vs. STL
Whhhhhhhhhhhhat? THIS series gets 100 percent Versus coverage? Now that makes no sense.

That being said, the playoffs are looking so good that I might watch every first round game I can. Simply enough, I get the feeling Blues - Canucks will be kind of boring. Hey, don't get me wrong, I hope I'm wrong. It's hard to look past the defensive-leaning ways of both teams and the rugged, garbage goal scoring forwards on each squad. As much as I love the Sedins, this series will gain my attention because it's on. But much like Kyle Wellwood's girlfriend, deep down I'll wish that there was something sexier going on.

Coverage Rating: 10 Keith Tkachuk fat jokes out of 10.

Hockey Orphan: the Puck Huffers on the Pittsburgh Penguins

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(While I admit that the Penguins are my team, the fact that they missed the playoffs for six years softened my allegiance ever so slightly. Typically, then, I like to venture to the Pens-logopshere for all things Malkin and Crosby. One of the absolute best Penguins blogs goes by the name Puck Huffers. They absolutely rocked the All-Decade team like no one else, a post that makes you wonder if they travel the country destroying hotel rooms. ANYWAY, make sure to make Puck Huffers one of your go-to sources for info on the igloo.)

We hate to show up late with our feature submission and walk in here like we own the place, but really you all leave us no choice. So you’re a hockey fan but don’t know what jersey to invest your hard earned money in, what team to cheer for, scream at, and on the occasion you feel like getting feisty in a bar fight, bleed for? It’s not that hard to realize, good citizen, that you should be a Penguins fan.

Do let us explain.

THE PROOF THAT THE PENGUINS ARE UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST HOCKEY TEAM IN THE NHL. EVER.

1)We love the franchise and it loves us back. The Penguins franchise knows its fans. It knows we want feel good commercials and slogans.
It knows we want tacky fashion and decorations beamed in directly from the early 90’s. It knows that when we can’t see a playoff game in the arena, we’ll probably still want to watch it at the huge, free, outdoor viewing location. Every time the organization does something for us we have to take a minute to say “God damn, we really need to check for recording devices around the apartment, because that was MY idea when I was drunk on Iron City last Tuesday.” But really, with God – Oh, hahaha, you common folk who don’t walk in his gracious light might know him as “Mario”- head manning the operation, what can you expect?

2)We’re the best dressed team in the league. Go ahead and roll your eyes at us women basing decisions off of fashion. Sorry boys, at the end of the day we’re still the ones you have to talk out of our skirts. You might want to pay attention. And on top of that, we don’t even believe that you are a man if you don’t marvel at the glory that is Eric Godard’s bright red pimp suit.
Our boys also offer up an assortment of unreal shirts and hats that are so unbelievably hideous they must be extremely expensive and fashionable.

Either that or dumpster diving is a Pittsburgh Penguins pastime, and really, are you going to argue with the coolness of that either?

3)Our players are as entertaining as they get. Sure, we could take this time to talk about Malks and Sid being so exciting to watch play, et cetera, et cetera, but we won’t because they speak for themselves. Well…Malkin tries, at least. Regardless, we’re not talking about that shit. We’d rather focus on the shoe checking, baby-clothes-hiding, Fu Manchu growing, donut-spinning, retarded group of fuckups that are the boys on the Penguins. They’re the kids you wanted to be friends with in high school because you never knew exactly what they were doing this weekend, but you were pretty sure it was going to end up a major topic of discussion at the 5, 10, and 20 year reunions. Every ten seconds you have to stop and ask “Oh my god, what the hell is he doing? Who the jesus let him out of the house today?”

On the flip side, they’re one of the most charitable hockey teams in the league. Every other day you get a slew of pictures of some charity event one of the guys threw together in his spare time. We’re fans of a lot of other teams, and we’ve come to realize how much the Pens really do. It’s kind of amazing.

4)Sid’s more unreal than you even thought. An added bonus of having Sidney Crosby on your team? If you somehow mathematically calculate the curve of his ass, you find the meaning of life.

Too bad no one’s ever survived the equation.


REASONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEAR CLEAR OF ALL OF THIS AWESOMENESS
We won’t say that the Penguins are without fault. We’re happy to list our downsides.

1)Penguins hockey is not for the faint of heart, nor those who easily give up. If you’re too much of a bitch to handle some excitement, we’re not the team for you. Our battle cry has forever been “third period team!” because we like to failboat a lot in the first two periods and then remember “Oh, hey! We’re playing hockey!” and take it back in the third. Our seasons are equally as distressing anymore – especially this season past – it always seems like we’re on the cusp of both failure and success. As a Penguins fan, chances are you might have to sit through quite a few years of us toiling in mediocrity. But there’s always a payoff at the end. Just…don’t get too comfortable in your chair. Ever.

2)You might not always appreciate the sass of the Lord.
Our Lord and Savior has been known to play his pimp card. Namely threatening to sell the team to faraway lands if the world didn’t meet his demands. After the world met his demands he just laughed, in a pimp-like fashion, and informed everyone he was never actually planning on doing it anyway. While we appreciate this trickery and deceit in the name of shady business, we can understand why others couldn’t handle this amount of pimp in their day to day lives.

3)You have to deal with a lot of bullshit. While your favorite players may be Robert Scuderi; American Hero, President T. Kennedy, Maxime the French Canadian Dream, or any other of the Penguins assorted cast of characters, every homer in the street is going to hear “Penguins” and immediately assume you are Crosby’s biggest fan and supporter. They will then proceed to air their every grievance to you, and follow up with something like “But that Malkin, he’s something else.” If you have a low quota of faces you can punch in a day, the Penguins are not the team for you.

4)The team and the city are a package deal, and that’s a lot of work.

You aren’t a Penguins fan without loving Pittsburgh. Maybe you live there, maybe you plan to visit one day as a sort of holy quest, either way you’ve got to be emotionally involved with Steel City. It’s a different sort of place, something both of us have realized after leaving. It’s a little odd, and maybe not what normal people are used to, but once you fall for it you’re never turning back, and you’re never going to find another place that feel quite like it. The people, the workers, the surrounding landscapes, the streets, the bridges, just the feel of Pittsburgh, it’s all distinct. The Penguins are a gateway drug to Pittsburgh and vice-versa. If you can’t handle one, you won’t last long with the other.


So, come, take our hands and we shall lead you to salvation – that is if you think you can handle it. We didn’t even mention how being a Penguins fan throws in the advantage of getting to know us. We just thought that was a given.

Say it with us now.
Go Pens.

Onus Brothers

Our amigos at Bangin Panger asked us to participate in their pre-playoff special, choosing one player per team who will make-or-break his squad's fortunes. The first post features the No. 1 seeds San Jose and Boston, with my choices plus those of the two Bangin Panger dudes and also Reed CK from Capitals Kremlin. We'll let you know when each one goes up.

Hope that you enjoy it and your Easter.

Coming soon: more Hockey Orphan, including an afternoon offering from the vaunted Puck Huffers. Keep your eyes peeled kids.

The Magic of MS Paint

Paint job by: britdevil from the HF Forums

Stumbled on a hilarious thread at HF Forums that features a bunch of marvelous works of Microsoft Paint art related to NHL logos and (in)famous moments in hockey history. There's not enough room here to show them all (highly recommend checking them all out, though) but here's some of my favorites:

Alex Ovechkin (Paint job by: britdevil from the HF Forums)
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Nashville Predators coach Barry Trotz (real and in Paint)

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Hilarious Paint rendering of a hysterical Olli Jokinen photo

Paint job by: britdevil from the HF Forums***

Borderline impressionistic take on the Alex Semin fight

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Two humiliating Ryan O'Byrne moments in one great drawing

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Edit: Somehow, I forgot the most obvious one (thanks, Amy).

Das Sedins!