Sidney Crosby, on the other hand, mainly passes the puck, lives in a middle aged man's house and no one really knows if he ever sneaks busty coeds to his neat little basement nest. (This is the life of a man earning $8.5 million. Really?) And while Ovechkin hams it up for the press, Crosby's about as secretive as the Bush administration.
So, what is it that makes Crosby more marketable?
His name. It's easy to say and read. Two-syllables for his first name and two-syllables for his last. Rolls off the tongue. Joe Stain Shirt can read it and recognize him.
This brings me back to a simpler time in North America. When immigrants would flood the area known as Ellis Island, their bizarre European names would be changed to honest, hard working Joes, Johns and Adams. Sure, these practices reeked of xenophobia, but dammit ... assimilation is progress!
Or so they'd say.
With that in mind, it got me to thinking: what if the NHL pulled an Ellis Island and re-named incoming Russians, other Europeans and the occasional Freedom Fry Frenchie? Let's take a team-by-team look of what the league might do to make these consonant-heavy, multi-syllabic last names easier for honest, hard working 'Mericans to read and recite.
After all, not everyone's name can match the three syllable bliss of Erik Cole.
Anaheim Ducks
Teemu Selanne to Tommy Salami
Francois Beauchemin to Frank Bean.
Atlanta Thrashers
Ilya Kovalchuk to Eric Cooper
Kari Lehtonen to Carl Leto
Boston Bruins
Zdeno Chara to Zack Chara
Patrice Bergeron to Patrick Burger
Buffalo Sabres
Maxim Afinogenov to Max Alexander
Ales Kotalik to Al Cole
Calgary Flames
Jarome Iginla to Jeremy Eagles
Miikka Kiprusoff to Michael Crabtree
Chicago Blackhawks
Nikolai Khabibulin to Nick Wall
Johnathan Toews to Johnathan Taves
Colorado Avalanche
Milan Hedjuk to Miles Heder
Marek Svatos to Mark Smith
Columbus Blue Jackets
Pascal Leclaire to Paul Lee
Ole-Kristian Tollefsen to Owen Toll
Dallas Stars
Fabian Brunnstrom to Fred Burns
Stephan Robidas to Steve Roberts
Detroit Red Wings
Valtteri Flippula to Val Phillips
Justin Abdelkader to Justin Adams
Edmonton Oilers
Lubomir Visnovsky to Larry Vale
Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers to J.D. Drew
Florida Panthers
Jay Bouwmeester to J. Bowman
Tomas Vokoun to Tommy Vacuum
Los Angeles Kings
Anze Kopitar to Andrew Keith
Jason Labarbera to Bruce Barber
Minnesota Wild
Marian Gaborik to Mario Goodman
Stephane Veilleux to Steve Volume
Montreal Canadiens
Guillaume Latendresse to Guy Trendy
Francis Bouillon to Franky Cube
Nashville Predators
Pekka Rinne to Pecker Red
New Jersey Devils
Pierre-Luc Letoruneau-Leblond to Luke Perry
Jamie Langenbrunner to Jimbo Lang
New York Islanders
Kyle Okposo to Kyle Ox
Sean Bergenheim to Sean Bergen
New York Rangers
Henrik Lundqvist to Hank Loder
Nikolai Zherdev to Nick Zeus
Ottawa Senators
Daniel Alfredsson to Alf
Anton Volchenkov to Andrew Volt
Jason Spezza to Jason Pizza
Jesse Winchester to Jesse Gunn
Philadelphia Flyers
Antero Niittymaki to Arthur Nichols
Kimmo Timonen to Kimbo Thomas
Pittsburgh Penguins
Evgeni Malkin to Gene Martin
Ruslan Fedetenko to Tank Johnson
San Jose Sharks
Evgeni Nabokov to Geno Copper
Johnathan Cheechoo to John Train
Marc-Edouard Vlasic to Edward Plastic
St. Louis Blues
Paul Kariya to Paul Korea
Tampa Bay Lightning
Vincent Lecavalier to Vinny Cavalier
Martin St. Louis to Martin St. Peter
Toronto Maple Leafs
Vesa Toskala to Vin Tacosalad
Vancouver Canucks
Roberto Luongo to Bob Long
Washington Capitals
Alexander Ovechkin to Al Oven
See, that's a lot of fun. Leave some good ones in the comments.
3 comments:
You know whats crazy? Like, an entire half of the 18-35 demographic is thoroughly unimpressed by busty coeds. (Do we really still use that word?)
I was going to say "but what about lesbians?" but then realized that gay men don't like busty coeds. Except tra--never mind.
Hahahaa. If you're trying to keep all that straight I suggest a cheat sheet of some sort. Boy, girl, lesbian and gay just doesn't cut it these days.
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