Sidney Crosby, on the other hand, mainly passes the puck, lives in a middle aged man's house and no one really knows if he ever sneaks busty coeds to his neat little basement nest. (This is the life of a man earning $8.5 million. Really?) And while Ovechkin hams it up for the press, Crosby's about as secretive as the Bush administration.
So, what is it that makes Crosby more marketable?
His name. It's easy to say and read. Two-syllables for his first name and two-syllables for his last. Rolls off the tongue. Joe Stain Shirt can read it and recognize him.
This brings me back to a simpler time in North America. When immigrants would flood the area known as Ellis Island, their bizarre European names would be changed to honest, hard working Joes, Johns and Adams. Sure, these practices reeked of xenophobia, but dammit ... assimilation is progress!
Or so they'd say.
With that in mind, it got me to thinking: what if the NHL pulled an Ellis Island and re-named incoming Russians, other Europeans and the occasional Freedom Fry Frenchie? Let's take a team-by-team look of what the league might do to make these consonant-heavy, multi-syllabic last names easier for honest, hard working 'Mericans to read and recite.
After all, not everyone's name can match the three syllable bliss of Erik Cole.
Teemu Selanne to Tommy Salami
Francois Beauchemin to Frank Bean.
Ilya Kovalchuk to Eric Cooper
Kari Lehtonen to Carl Leto
Zdeno Chara to Zack Chara
Patrice Bergeron to Patrick Burger
Maxim Afinogenov to Max Alexander
Ales Kotalik to Al Cole
Jarome Iginla to Jeremy Eagles
Miikka Kiprusoff to Michael Crabtree
Nikolai Khabibulin to Nick Wall
Johnathan Toews to Johnathan Taves
Milan Hedjuk to Miles Heder
Marek Svatos to Mark Smith
Columbus Blue Jackets
Pascal Leclaire to Paul Lee
Ole-Kristian Tollefsen to Owen Toll
Fabian Brunnstrom to Fred Burns
Stephan Robidas to Steve Roberts
Detroit Red Wings
Valtteri Flippula to Val Phillips
Justin Abdelkader to Justin Adams
Lubomir Visnovsky to Larry Vale
Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers to J.D. Drew
Jay Bouwmeester to J. Bowman
Tomas Vokoun to Tommy Vacuum
Los Angeles Kings
Anze Kopitar to Andrew Keith
Jason Labarbera to Bruce Barber
Marian Gaborik to Mario Goodman
Stephane Veilleux to Steve Volume
Guillaume Latendresse to Guy Trendy
Francis Bouillon to Franky Cube
Pekka Rinne to Pecker Red
New Jersey Devils
Pierre-Luc Letoruneau-Leblond to Luke Perry
Jamie Langenbrunner to Jimbo Lang
New York Islanders
Kyle Okposo to Kyle Ox
Sean Bergenheim to Sean Bergen
New York Rangers
Henrik Lundqvist to Hank Loder
Nikolai Zherdev to Nick Zeus
Daniel Alfredsson to Alf
Anton Volchenkov to Andrew Volt
Jason Spezza to Jason Pizza
Jesse Winchester to Jesse Gunn
Antero Niittymaki to Arthur Nichols
Kimmo Timonen to Kimbo Thomas
Evgeni Malkin to Gene Martin
Ruslan Fedetenko to Tank Johnson
San Jose Sharks
Evgeni Nabokov to Geno Copper
Johnathan Cheechoo to John Train
Marc-Edouard Vlasic to Edward Plastic
St. Louis Blues
Paul Kariya to Paul Korea
Tampa Bay Lightning
Vincent Lecavalier to Vinny Cavalier
Martin St. Louis to Martin St. Peter
Toronto Maple Leafs
Vesa Toskala to Vin Tacosalad
Roberto Luongo to Bob Long
Alexander Ovechkin to Al Oven
See, that's a lot of fun. Leave some good ones in the comments.