Matt Cooke pie chart

Click to enlarge it yo.

Rankin's (temporary spot while Joomla! gives me fits)

So, Bloguin NHL is coming out with its Power Rankings ... which means that it's time for dumb stat-based fun! Hooray! (Throws confetti alone in a basement)*

* By the way, I've found that there are two groups of people who really get beat up by writers/tooshie-heads in general: "bloggers writing in their mother's basement" and "pimply faced teens." Any time a blogger or teen must be disparaged, they are disparaged in this exact way. It's like some form of cliche facism.

To mix things up, I decided to use a different "formula" to come up with the Power Rankings. Thankfully, for me, this formula still involved no critical thinking on my part. Unfortunately, I had to look at numbers and a spreadsheet. Blogging sucks, brah.

After the jump, CANDY and BOOBIES.

(OK, now imagine that you just clicked a Read More! link and were expecting Reese's peanut butter cups and D-cups ...)

John Candy ...

... and Boobie Miles!

HA! Suckers!

Anyway, here's the dopey formula for this edition of the Power Rankings.

Ingredient One: 5 on 5 scoring (For minus Against)

Sure, special teams are important, but great teams win in normal situations. At least that's what some fat guy who smells like cheese* once told me.

* - This has never happened.**

** - Also, fat guys who smell like cheese are much like bloggers living in basements and acne-addled kids. So we're all hypocrites, really.

Ingredient Two: Goals scored per game minus Goals against per game

Really, just to throw another number in there.

Ingredient Three: Road Wins minus Home Losses

I think a team that can break even or better on the road, yet protects their house like a dude wearing overpriced underwear is usually a team that will do well in the playoffs.

Add them all together and you have the totals for this edition of the Power Rankings.

***

I'm feeling kind of lazy, so I'm going to just throw up the spreadsheet tonight and then give you a nice, bold-faced list of the the ranked teams on Wednesday. Maybe.

(Not satisfied? What if I told you that there will be pithy comments? Ohhhh, now you're ripe!)

Anyway, here's what geography kids would call a "key."

The bold columns are the sums, so "5 on 5" is the result of a team's 5 on 5 goals for minus against. Diff/G refers to a team's goal differential, per game. Tough W is simply Road Wins minus Home Losses. Add 'em all up and you get the power rankings, or PR. PR is so important that it's in bold, it's highlighted AND FUCKING UNDERLINED! Holy shit!

I think this list shows which teams are imbalanced (home dependent or PP dependent), which teams are resilient (lots of road W's) and who might be built for a long playoff run.

Like I said, the following list will be translated into English tomorrow.

(But don't think I've forgotten about my other goober stats. I won't let you off that easily, already departed public. You WILL adopt special teams plus/minus, even if it kills your whole family.)